You are No Victim of Abuse!

One of the things that makes verbal, emotional, mental, and even financial abuse so insidious is that it can be done so privately that the victim is not only alone but sometimes it feels that layers of abuse are added on top by the comments of others - those who buy into his flying monkey efforts, those who excuse his behavior as social anxiety, those who believe his lies, those who are manipulated by his love bombing, those who never hear or witness his taunting, but only see the reaction of his supply.

I would even reiterate here that I would never suggest that a wife leave her husband because he battles anger issues, or suffers from depression and has to fight for his joy, or is even lazy and does little around the home. The question is, what is his attitude toward these things? I mean, when abuse is present, it’s because the whole person is different.

Some men struggle with anger from PTSD, haunting experiences or their abusive childhood, but they are broken and contrite over the times they’ve snapped! They seek the help they need and spend a lot of time with the Lord and in prayer. They don’t want to be angry or explosive. They don’t want to be lazy and unproductive. They make an effort to be different. How? Each individual finds the best way for themselves. They pray and study God's Word, attend men's Bible study, find someone they trust to help them, and leave the room or situation if they feel themselves becoming unkind or unsafe around those they love.

There is an important distinction between a lifestyle of abuse and an individual tripping up and caring enough to make changes. Godly men and women struggle with sin. The key here is STRUGGLE. Don’t forget that the Apostle Paul is very honest when he says that the things he wants to do, he doesn’t, and the things he doesn’t want to do, he does! That’s the reality of life in sinful flesh in this world! We speak elsewhere about the one who is living out narcissistic tendencies, who is leaning into his sin patterns instead of struggling against them!

While I'm not making excuses for sinful behavior or minimizing it, I’m making a distinction between abuse that stems from an individual who isn’t recognizing his struggles and living with a man who recognizes his struggles, is not only sorrowful but determined to make changes. That's the difference. Someone who is leaning into the narcissistic behavior does nothing but make excuses when someone holds him accountable, blames others (usually his supply), and continues on his merry way.

On the surface, some facts look the same, but from an inside perspective, I can tell you that they are very different people.

Verbal Abuse IS Abuse

Most of us would never sit by and watch a male physically abuse a female - I say that and yet I’m as shocked as most of you when I see the news reports of the female who was attacked on public transportation in Charlotte while other passengers walked by and did nothing! Hopefully, that has not become the rule in our society.

Anyway, I know that the men and women in my life would never sit by and accept any physical abuse that they may witness from my husband toward me. Guess what most narcissists know? They know that - and they are very good at making sure that any physical action is done behind closed doors or inside vehicles where there are no witnesses. Verbal abuse, though? Often, it isn’t recognized as such. My narc is very good at packaging criticism inside of cruel jokes - and then accusing me of not having a sense of humor. He is very good at making me the punchline of negative comments - sometimes cruel and sometimes seemingly harmless (except that I’ve already heard the things he has accused me of and said in private) so the public comments are simply icing on the already crumbling cake.

Just this morning, as I spoke with another lady trying to navigate her marriage with a man who has some of the same tendencies as my husband; she mentioned a few things that he has said to her, and my heart skipped a beat for a second. It felt like the two of them were reading from the same script! Her husband tells her that nobody really likes her, that she has no friends, and that even her children dislike being with her! Not only has my husband repeatedly told me these things, but he has even gone so far as to send me an email stating them as fact.

My purpose in sharing this here: when this lady shared her pain with me this morning, I could empathize with her on a deep level. There is a lasting wound that comes from words like this. Words spoken by the very man who is supposed to protect your heart, the very man who is supposed to believe in you. The very man who vowed to support you in life - he is the very one who has used words to try to destroy you. Physical wounds heal. These kinds of emotional wounds linger, cause daubt to surface at the most inopportune moments, cause you to question who you are in the lives of those you love most - and these wounds isolate you in a way that is difficult to explain. Unless you’ve heard the words, you don’t understand their impact.

Therefore, if any man be in Chrsit, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold all things are become new.