“Narcissists want children, but they don’t want to be parents.” This is something that I even hate to state, but there are many indications that it is true.
*To a narcissist, children are not seen as independent human beings with needs, feelings, and their own journey. Instead, they are seen as extensions of the narc’s ego, trophies to prove their worth, or tools to gain admiration and control. They want the image of being a parent, the praise that comes with sharing the photos, the recognition of “providing,” or the feeling of ownership. Take a moment and think about the individuals who you may think have leaned into narcissistic characteristics.
They will show up when it’s convenient for them. They give when their giving will be recognized. They support when there are reasons to brag on who they are supporting. They are quick to reach out to their children when they need something from them. But the day-to-day responsibilities of parenting: nurturing, guiding, teaching, sacrificing, putting someone else’s best interests above their own, are things that they rarely, if ever, commit to!
They often shift the real work of parenting onto the spouse, yet still demand credit. They appear for the spotlight moments but disappear when things get difficult. They aren’t there for the unglamorous parts of raising a child. Worse than all of this is that their emotional immaturity affects the children. It creates a dynamic where the kids end up feeling responsible for the parent’s moods and actions instead of the other way around!
The damage runs deep. These children often grow up feeling confused, with feelings of not being enough, and constantly strive for validation elsewhere. Even if the other parent is focused on validating these kids, what was/is missing from the father runs deep and is difficult to overcome! They may even believe and have to work to understand that neglect, conditional love, and emotional manipulation are not normal.
So yes. Narcissists want children - or to be known as having children, but for all the wrong reasons!
They use their children to feed their ego. Real parenting requires selflessness, consistency, and humility - traits that narcissists do not have nor are willing to develop!
The Effects on Children:
This page is really difficult to build - and the tears will continue to flow as I endeavor to share. Living in a marriage with a true narcissist is something that I don’t think anyone would choose knowingly; however, I did choose to marry the man that I thought my narc was - and my children suffered because of my choice. I pray that this site and story will help many others, not only women who feel trapped in this type of marriage, but I hope that those who recognize themselves as being on this spectrum of behaving with narcissistic traits will decide to get help and change for the sake of their wives and children! Again… I believe that God is able and no one is beyond His reach!
Daughters of narcs may be drawn to men with the same negative characteristics as their father and find themselves in abusive relationships - I don’t understand the psychology of it, but statistics show that it is true. Moms, help your girls navigate this! Talk openly with them and help them recognize that what they are used to isn’t necessarily what they need!
The narc’s need to portray himself as the best, the smartest, the most informed, etc. translates into an inability to speak words of affirmation, congratulations, or even approval to his children. Yes, it affects his wife deeply, but children grow into adults who don’t believe in their God-given abilities. Adults who don’t see in themselves their strengths or have the confidence to be who God created them to be. They fight for years to overcome their doubts and feelings of inadequacy.
Sons of narcs will begin to rebel and stand up to the abuses of the father when they reach the teen years or older. This may lead to physical altercations when suddenly the bully cannot bully any longer. Longterm, sons may also feel the extra burden of responsibility for their mother’s protection and care when they are old enough to realize what she has suffered for so long. This is a burden good men take on willingly, but a burden that their mothers wish they didn’t bear.
GET OUT!
One of the things that I shed buckets of tears over in our home was the way my husband threatened to kick our teens out of the house for minor disagreements or even for differences in priorities. Multiple times over the years, a son would express a desire to date someone or to attend a function, or any other thing that my husband didn’t want him doing, and I would hear my husband say, “You can just move out of my house if you aren’t going to abide by my rules!” Now, let me clarify. We aren’t talking about these teenagers breaking the law, doing drugs, going places they shouldn’t go, etc. We are talking about simple things; things that any parent/teen should be able to discuss and work through! The desire to control every aspect of their lives came to the forefront way too often, and his go-to was, “Get out of my house!” I thought this behavior was just my own husband’s way, but in my research and in working with other victims, I’ve learned that this is another common thing among those who lean into narcissism!
It is a power move! In other words, it’s a cruel way to remind you that they are in control of the environment, the situation, and even your emotional stability. No wonder my tearful requests for him to be reasonable were ignored. My tears fueled his feeling of power! It really is about domination. He seemed to thrive on the moment when he said the words, “Get out!” and then he could turn and see me crumble and know that he had successfully triggered my fear, confusion, and insecurity.
This is difficult even today for me to process - that I trusted my heart and my children to a man who was so bent on feeding his own ego that he enjoyed seeing me lose my grounding. To him, this place that I spent years trying to make a home was not a home, but a stage. No wonder it was so easy for him to walk away from it! His stage no longer fed his need for power! My children and I were just characters in the play on his stage, and when we didn’t play our assigned role, we were no longer necessary or welcome in his life.
Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold all things become new.
When decisions are made regarding children’s activities, relationships, etc., putting forward a united front as a couple leaves them without an advocate, feeling alone and helpless. For many years, I questioned and fought decisions being made behind closed doors, or in a car when we were alone, because he had ordered me to never question him in front of the children. He reminded me repeatedly that he was now the leader of the home and my job was to trust his lead - even when I vehemently disagreed. Over time, he began each car ride with the words, “If you are going to challenge me about the children, you can get out of the car right now. I am not an idiot. I know what I’m doing, and I don’t need your criticism.” And yes, I was put out of the car on more than one occasion when I begged to discuss one thing or another regarding our kids. There are many of these decisions that, earlier in our marriage, I should have courageously battled against, and I didn’t. It was only after a life-altering event in our lives, followed by some honest conversations with my eldest children, that I found the courage to speak up openly and fight for them and their desires. Hence, I suffered the wrath, silence, punishment, mocking of my faith, and accusations of no longer being a good wife or Christian. But damage was already done, and there is no way to take my children back and show them that I was quietly trying to advocate for them, but failing.
In an effort to be the submissive and supportive wife, I often asked my children to pray with me for their dad after an event in which he hurt one or several of them in some way. Yes, I thought this was the right thing to do - but I have since learned that not only did this action make it appear that I supported him wholly in every hurtful decision, it also put the responsibility to be the bigger person on our children.
What would I do if I had those years to do over? I think I would keep looking for help, beat down someone’s door until someone listened to me. In other words, find someone who would reach out to my husband and try to help him see what he was doing to us - and if he didn’t respond, hopefully someone who would help me protect myself and our children. Instead, I believed those who said it was my fault; I believed that if I prayed long and hard enough for him, he would love us. I believed that I was responsible for the godliness of my husband, and it was because I was a failure as a wife that he treated us as he did. Ladies - reach out here to me! You do not have to remain trapped in a situation that is hurting not only you but also your children.
We’ve addressed in other places the selfishness, self-centeredness of a true narcissist. You can only imagine how this affects children. He finds it very easy to demand a job be done around the house that he really should be doing, but doesn’t want to. He finds it really easy to deny activities or events because it would require too much trouble on his part or he just doesn’t enjoy it himself.