The Effects on Children:

This page is really difficult to build - and the tears will continue to flow as I endeavor to share. Living in a marriage with a true narcissist is something that I don’t think anyone would choose knowingly; however, I did choose to marry the man that I thought my narc was - and my children suffered because of my choice. I pray that this site and story will help many others, not only women who feel trapped in this type of marriage, but I hope that those who recognize themselves as being on this spectrum of behaving with narcissistic traits will decide to get help and change for the sake of their wives and children! Again… I believe that God is able and no one is beyond His reach!

Daughters of narcs may be drawn to men with the same negative characteristics as their father and find themselves in abusive relationships - I don’t understand the psychology of it, but statistics show that it is true. Moms, help your girls navigate this! Talk openly with them and help them recognize that what they are used to isn’t necessarily what they need!

The narc’s need to portray himself as the best, the smartest, the most informed, etc. translates into an inability to speak words of affirmation, congratulations, or even approval to his children. Yes, it affects his wife deeply, but children grow into adults who don’t believe in their God-given abilities. Adults who don’t see in themselves their strengths or have the confidence to be who God created them to be. They fight for years to overcome their doubts and feelings of inadequacy.

Sons of narcs will begin to rebel and stand up to the abuses of the father when they reach the teen years or older. This may lead to physical altercations when suddenly the bully cannot bully any longer. Longterm, sons may also feel the extra burden of responsibility for their mother’s protection and care when they are old enough to realize what she has suffered for so long. This is a burden good men take on willingly, but a burden that their mothers wish they didn’t bear.

Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold all things become new.

When decisions are made regarding children’s activities, relationships, etc., putting forward a united front as a couple leaves them without an advocate, feeling alone and helpless. For many years, I questioned and fought decisions being made behind closed doors, or in a car when we were alone, because he had ordered me to never question him in front of the children. He reminded me repeatedly that he was now the leader of the home and my job was to trust his lead - even when I vehemently disagreed. Over time, he began each car ride with the words, “If you are going to challenge me about the children, you can get out of the car right now. I am not an idiot. I know what I’m doing, and I don’t need your criticism.” And yes, I was put out of the car on more than one occasion when I begged to discuss one thing or another regarding our kids. There are many of these decisions that, earlier in our marriage, I should have courageously battled against, and I didn’t. It was only after a life-altering event in our lives, followed by some honest conversations with my eldest children, that I found the courage to speak up openly and fight for them and their desires. Hence, I suffered the wrath, silence, punishment, mocking of my faith, and accusations of no longer being a good wife or Christian. But damage was already done, and there is no way to take my children back and show them that I was quietly trying to advocate for them, but failing.

In an effort to be the submissive and supportive wife, I often asked my children to pray with me for their dad after an event in which he hurt one or several of them in some way. Yes, I thought this was the right thing to do - but I have since learned that not only did this action make it appear that I supported him wholly in every hurtful decision, it also put the responsibility to be the bigger person on our children.

What would I do if I had those years to do over? I think I would keep looking for help, beat down someone’s door until someone listened to me. In other words, find someone who would reach out to my husband and try to help him see what he was doing to us - and if he didn’t respond, hopefully someone who would help me protect myself and our children. Instead, I believed those who said it was my fault; I believed that if I prayed long and hard enough for him, he would love us. I believed that I was responsible for the godliness of my husband, and it was because I was a failure as a wife that he treated us as he did. Ladies - reach out here to me! You do not have to remain trapped in a situation that is hurting not only you but also your children.

We’ve addressed in other places the selfishness, self-centeredness of a true narcissist. You can only imagine how this affects children. He finds it very easy to demand a job be done around the house that he really should be doing, but doesn’t want to. He finds it really easy to deny activities or events because it would require too much trouble on his part or he just doesn’t enjoy it himself.