Bits of Joy
It’s an integral part of healing.
Not quite ready to smile yet? It’s ok. Come back periodically until you are.
I promise it is possible to choose joy — a deep inner joy that sustains you. Decide where to focus today. Sit down and think of one thing or one person you are thankful for, and write about it. Read it out loud and listen to it; if it’s a person, contact them and let them know how grateful you are. This will bring you a little bit of joy for the day.
While a narcissist often enjoys making jokes at your expense, that’s not what we will be doing here. We are simply trying to find some joy in an otherwise harsh reality. Finding a reason to smile in the midst can be healing in the small moments.
How many narcs do you need to change a light bulb? Just one, they hold up the bulb, and the world revolves around them.
How does a narc save on electricity bills? He uses gaslighting!
It is a complex reality when a marriage to a narcissist ends. I had a hope chest full of memories from over the years. I had not dared open or go through these memories for a couple of years: the pain was just overwhelming. However, due to some emergency situations, I was forced to open the trunk and begin sorting. At the very bottom, I discovered some cards and letters written during the dating stage of our relationship. Yes, the lovebombing stage. These were all addressed to “Princess,” which was the loving name he used for a very short period (the lovebombing stage). As I read through these letters, the tears flowed. Where had that man gone? What was wrong with me that he stopped talking to me in this way so abruptly? After about fifteen minutes of those depressing thoughts, I decided to take control of my emotions and find a smile. I picked up my phone and texted his - something I hadn’t done in at least 6 months! The text said, “I was going through my trunk and discovered some letters addressed to Princess! Where should I forward these to?” I held my breath, laughed, and pushed send. Of course, he never responded, but I had turned a painful situation into a few smiles.
Real joy is found in knowing that the Creator of all loves you. He knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb, and He is always willing and ready to hear the cries of your heart!
When my husband continued to lie and pretend he hadn’t already chosen a new “supply” - someone he was taking on trips, to movies and dinner, and yes, even sharing a home with - I got fed up with the pretending. During one of our grandchildren’s ball games, he sat near me and talked loudly about his latest trip with her. This had become a theme of his whenever we were in the same room or gathered with family. To this point, I had found myself going to the nearest restroom where I would get sick on my stomach; then, I returned to the “scene” and tried to hold it together. On this particular day, I chose to take control of the situation and hopefully make him stop.
I sent him a short text while sitting right beside him. It said, “I’m humble enough to realize that I’m replaceable and confident enough to know that it’s a downgrade!” I could feel his stunned stare as he turned and glared at me for a few seconds, then laughed. What else could he do?
What is the narcissist’s favorite exercise? Jumping to conclusions about how everyone else feels about them.
True joy is not dependent upon our circumstances - it is rooted in our Saviour.
I’m sure you’ve heard the idea of practicing gratitude. That applies to us here as well! When you are feeling hurt - and you will. When you are feeling angry - and you will. When you are feeling forgotten - and you will. When you are feeling that no one cares, and you will. When you are feeling exhausted by his unending abuse - and you will… practice gratitude. Sit down. Write down at least three things that you can be thankful for. Do you have a bed to sleep in? Write it down. Do you have clothes to put on your back? Write it down. Do you have one friend? Write it down. Did someone speak to you today? Write it down. Do you have children who love you? Write it down. Do you have Jesus and therefore HOPE for eternal life? Write it down. Just this little practice will help you find joy for the moment, the hour, the day.
What is the narcissist’s favorite part of a joke? The part where they interrupt and make it all about them!
Laughter is a part of healing.
We’ve all heard that laughter is the best medicine and we’ve probably all experienced moments of relief from painful situations when something makes us laugh or at least smile. There is also the saying, “I can either laugh or cry and I’m going to choose to laugh!” No, we cannot always do this when suffering abuse; but when we can, we need to! One of my children often brings levity to moments when he makes a joke that is related specifically to a hurtful reality. He’ll make a remark and then ask, “Too soon?” The bluntness relieves tension and brings the laughter that is needed for even just a second of relief. Without these moments, we may not survive the true horrific realities of abuse.
Hope Brings Smiles
As long as I have breath, I will praise you, LORD! As long as your narc has breath, there is hope that he will surrender his will to God, and yes, God can and will change him if he asks! Have you read the story of Saul in the Bible? You know, the Saul who persecuted and killed believers? Isn’t it incredible to think that this is the same man named Paul who wrote so many of our New Testament books, instructing and encouraging believers? That very same God can transform the heart of your narc from who he is today into who God created him to be! I often pray for a Saul-to-Paul transformation for my narc. Nothing is too hard for God.
