Hope / Healing
Depending on how long one has been in a relationship with a true narcissist, as well as how many of the narcissistic traits their abuser exhibited, hope and healing may seem unrealistic. Anyone in this relationship has spent some time feeling trapped and hopeless. Many therapists and sites will not only add to the discouragment and hopelessness, but will assure you over and over that healing is out of reach - and that any time spent with a narcissist has been a terrible waste of life. I disagree! Hope and Healing are never beyond our reach.
Healing starts in the mind. Narcissistic abuse impacts the mind. Many experts and therapists use the term “rewired” when discussing the brain of a victim of narcissistic abuse. The more we understand about this type of abuse, the more this idea makes perfect sense! Therefore, healing cannot begin until the mind is renewed and rewired to think correctly again.
Whether it is from a relationship with a narcissist or whether it is another kind of hurt that has been inflicted upon you by other humans, the response is the same. If you are a Christian reading this, I beg you to hear me and understand that what I’m sharing from this point on is directly from the Word of God. If you are not a believer and have no interest in obedience to God, you still need healing - I hope you can see through this site the basis for your healing and what is at the gospel’s core. It’s forgiveness. The gospel is based on the fact that I am a sinner and that when I didn’t deserve it, Christ died for me, and He offers forgiveness that treats me as if I had never sinned! Only God, right? And only God can demand that I ask for that forgiveness before it is given. As a human, God’s requirements are a little different.
One thing I have learned in the past several years is that even people who call themselves Christians don’t want to think too deeply about or practice true forgiveness, but this is a huge part of the healing process, and we will cover it in depth moving forward.
We have this thing inside of us that demands justice. I want justice for what has been done to me. I want the abuser to suffer consequences. I want him to feel a pain close to what he inflicted on me. I want revenge. I want everyone on the planet to hold him accountable. I want everyone to know what he has done to me and how it has affected every area of my life. I want God to zap him. And believe me, many will come alongside and pat you on the back and say, “You deserve better!” “He deserves all of that!” “You should punish him!”
But do you know what God says? He says, “LOVE him.” He says, “Pray for him.” He says, “Bless him.” He says, “Do good to him.” WHAT? Yes, he does. The bottom line is that to be obedient before God, I must obey and forgive. The other bottom line is that to heal, I must forgive. So - guess what? That’s not easy, and it’s not simple, and it’s not forgetting, and it’s not a one-time act. In other pages, we’ll talk about why!
Before we go too deeply into this subject, I want to assure you that our section on forgiveness can be used as a Bible study but it is not just another Bible study on Forgiveness. I am sharing my journey, what I have learned and am learning, what I am putting into practice, and why. I decided long ago that my life experiences couldn’t be wasted on me alone. I promised the LORD that I would scream from the mountaintops all He teaches me along my journey. That is the purpose of this writing.
We first need to acknowledge that many of the therapies and counseling centers out there are based on men’s ideas of healing and dealing with hard things in life, and men’s ways are not God’s. May I say that again? Man’s ways are not God’s ways! My understanding is so beneath the wisdom and knowledge of God. I’m always better off setting aside my human wisdom and seeking God’s ways. I’m always better off obeying God’s commands, whether I feel like it or not. When speaking about forgiveness, I hear much of man’s wisdom. I understand where each thought is coming from. I’ve had them! I’ve had to fight to bring my thoughts and ideas into subjection to God’s. And that isn’t easy.
Acknowledging the Wound is a Must
“Why are you seeing a therapist and talking about the hurt? Isn’t that just dredging up things and keeping it fresh? Isn’t it better to forget it and move on? I don’t believe in this therapy thing.” “Just forgive and forget!” Yes, these are some of the statements made to me when I first began this intense journey over a year ago.
There are many problems with statements like these, but I’ll touch on a few here. No two individuals have faced the same offenses of life, and not all pain can be easily erased. *Remember this when you are tempted to downplay someone else’s pain. Secondly, minor offenses left unattended don’t remain small, and many relationships have been destroyed by ignoring the little hurts while they pile up to become insurmountable issues. And the deep wounds from real hurt have no chance of going away when we ignore them. We cannot deny that unattended hurt can turn to hatred, and deeply seated hatred within the heart turns to bitterness, which will destroy from deep within! Often, people who have been hurt attempt to carry on as if they haven’t; build walls, develop unhealthy traits, and even dramatically change without realizing that the hurts of life have broken parts of them, and they are functioning as less than the individuals that God created them to be! Another problem is that if there is no offense, then there is no need even to consider forgiveness; so for me to forgive, I must acknowledge that the actions of another brought on my pain. In short: If there is no pain, there is no need to forgive! Too often, especially in the religious or Christian world, we tend to want to pretend ‘all is well’ or glaze over actual wrongs done. We may even be taught that this is the “Christian” thing to do. But by burying the wounds, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to deal with it Biblically and of any chance of healing. In the physical world, a wound left unattended festers and grows and can even kill. In the world of our emotions, our very souls, a wound left unattended also festers and grows and can even kill.
I may be wholly innocent and guilty of no sin when someone hurts me. But if I leave my pain unattended, I can very easily move into the category of one who is sinning! God warned Cain in Genesis that sin was crouching at his door… He told him to deal with the issue BEFORE it became a sin. In Cain’s case, he was angry at God and his brother because his sacrifice had not been accepted. He hadn’t been hurt by something done wrong by Abel or God, but he had been hurt nonetheless – and he wasn’t handling it. The pain of his hurt was festering, deeply rooted in his soul. Because he ignored God’s warning and didn’t deal with the bitterness crouching at his door, it became sin and ended with him murdering his brother. In the same way, pain inflicted by someone else’s wrongs can fester and become that same kind of bitterness that leads to sin in the heart of the one hurt. So, to reiterate: why acknowledge the wrongs done to you? Why force yourself to remember and face that they did indeed happen? Because if you do not, you risk sinning in your reaction, you cannot truly forgive and heal.
When you’ve been hurt deeply by the actions of others, especially if the actions are continual and long-lasting, hope and healing may feel impossible! But, NOTHING is impossible with God.
It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t happen without much effort on your part. That’s why I may ask repeatedly if you desire to remain a victim or if you want healing; if you want HOPE!
If the answer is yes, you must choose how you will react when they continue to play their games with your life and emotions. Choose to let them play their games without joining in! Don’t give up your light to join in someone else’s darkness. Remember that two wrongs never make a right. AND, remember that pain doesn’t have to define us - and it has the power to refine us. We can learn from it, we can grow through it, and we can rise above it.
Has your compassion been mocked? Keep showing up with compassion. Has your integrity been questioned and attacked? Keep showing up in your integrity. No, it won’t be easy, but it’s who you are.
The best thing we can do when we are hurt by the negative actions of awful people is to choose not to be like them!
Let me ask you a straightforward question if you are here as a victim of true narcissistic abuse. Do you want healing? Are you looking for hope? Sadly, too often in long-term abuse, victims become “comfortable” in their victimhood and don’t want to put forth the work to find healing. I want to encourage you to seek the joy that comes with HOPE and Healing from abuse. We weren’t created to be victims; we are supposed to be victorious regardless of our circumstances. It’s a choice you and I must make - daily!
This site focuses very directly on the effects of narcissism on the spouse, from my very personal perch. However: as a mother who has dedicated my entire life to my people, who never dreamed of hurting my children… a part of healing is realizing that my children have also been affected not only by this man’s actions toward them, but his actions toward me. The damage done to me altered me, my ability to function as me and even my ability to think clearly sometimes! This is my message:
When your adult children come to you and open up about things that hurt them in their childhood, they may say, “This hurt me,” or “I wish this had been different.”
This is NOT disrespect.
This is NOT living in the past.
This is HEALING for them!
They are not attacking you. They are trusting you. They are letting you see a part of them that was silent for a long time.
You don’t have to defend or explain. You don’t even have to justify your choices.
LISTEN. Tell them that you believe them. Tell them that you are sorry that they felt the way they did. Ask for their forgiveness for your part in their pain! Thank them for telling you. Tell them that they never deserved to feel the negative things that they felt. And tell them that you are PROUD of who they are!
Sometimes their deepest healing happens when they know they have a safe parent - a parent who has space for their pain! No, validation doesn’t erase the past or the pain, but it can soften the hurt, and it can build a stronger relationship between you and your adult children moving forward.
Normalize being your children’s safe place - even when they are adult!
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My Therapists
I have some pretty intense thoughts on therapy or counseling in today’s world, and I hope I can articulate and communicate clearly on this subject. During the latter years of my marriage, I pursued certification in counseling, and what I learned in that process solidified my stance. Counseling or therapy must be based on the foundation of truth. Our foundation of truth is God’s Word. He is the truth. He is the Healer of all wounds. He is the Sovereign One, which means He knows the facts of each situation and individual - He cannot be manipulated. He is not confused. He is just. He is loving. According to the Psalms, He cares enough to hold our tears in His bottle.
Therapy / Counseling must be where the wounded can examine their open wounds, bruises, and scars and address them piece by piece.
Quality therapists/counselors must have discernment and be able to discern what is true, what is self-serving and self-seeking, and what is actual pain that needs healing. They must also be willing to encourage healing and not wallowing, numbing, or bitterness.
My personal story is one of burying pain for years to survive daily life. I was not even aware of the damage that had been done to not only my emotions, but my mind and my body. I didn’t know that my brain had been rewired, and what I thought of myself and how others saw me was a distortion of the truth. I had believed what my narcissist had said about me, and I felt everyone else saw me as he said he saw me. I was wounded deeply, and in a moment of confrontation right after he left, my body began to shake uncontrollably, I wept bitterly, and I started vomiting violently. At that moment, I realized I needed help navigating the truth that had knocked me off my feet. I could no longer tell myself this man loved me, and that he just didn’t know how to express it. I had to face the reality that he had spent years destroying me piece by piece, and I now had to do the hard work of healing. And yes - it is hard work.
I ended up with three therapists. Each played a role in setting my feet on solid ground and had a specific purpose in my life, and I do not doubt that God led me to each one and used them. I still communicate with two of them as needed.
Here’s the rub. The same man who caused all of the wounds is the man who walked away from the marriage, closing the bank account and leaving me to fend for myself. I couldn’t afford the therapy that I needed! One of my therapists never charged me. She was a friend from years ago who approached me - I didn’t even have to tell her what had happened. She had studied narcissistic abuse in the years since our close friendship, and she sat across the table from me a few months after my husband left and took my hands. She told me that she knew that I had suffered under his abuse for the entirety of our marriage. She told me that while studying the subject, she would sit in class and recognize things she remembered seeing in my marriage. She said that over and over, she would say, “That’s what he did to her!” Now, she wanted to help me! After the first two sessions with her, I knew that the most remarkable thing she did for me was to validate my wounds. I wasn’t crazy! I didn’t imagine that this was abuse. I wasn’t making a mountain out of small things. She knew exactly what had happened to me, and she held me, told me that what he had done was wrong and that I was not to blame. This was the first person to validate me, and I cannot express how much I needed to hear that. I had spent the days and weeks since his abandonment berating myself, believing that I had failed, thinking that if only I had been stronger, if only I had never reacted, if only I had been smarter… Now, for the first time, I knew that someone with skin on knew the truth, and she had given me just enough strength in her statements to start working through all of my emotions, examining the wounds, and working toward healing.
The second therapist was a woman who specializes in the damage done to the mind. She helped me address specific parts of the abuse that had ingrained wrong thinking into my mind. She taught me to write down my memories, pull out buried memories, and discuss what happened versus what should have happened. I learned in this process that burying deep wounds to survive doesn’t allow healing: it simply changes the mind to function, but when we do this, we aren’t functioning as we should, we aren’t thinking correctly, and the wounds are continuing to deepen and never heal.
The third therapist specialized in the damage done to the body. She would ask questions while I was on her massage table and use massage to encourage healing in the body. It was after one such session that my entire upper body was black and blue with bruising, and she talked to me about the deep wounds that were coming to the surface as we were addressing them. She was very concerned, stating that she hadn’t encountered that degree of bodily response before. There is a belief that the body keeps the score, and there are extensive studies on this subject - my therapist and I saw this firsthand in my own body. It was frightening, but it revealed to me just how deeply I had held my pain; how privately I had walked this road and how desperately I needed healing. Each time I left her office, I felt not only exhausted physically and emotionally, but mentally spent in such a way that I couldn’t describe it. Not only would I bruise during these very gentle massage sessions, but my face would swell, and an indescribable fatigue would set in.
I knew immediately that I needed all three of these therapists in my life, and though I couldn’t afford it, I maxed out two credit cards to have the therapy as long as possible. I’m still paying off those bills today, but I don’t regret a minute of it. Guess what? One of my children mentioned to my husband that I was in therapy, and he took the opportunity to send me an email to tell me that I was lying, that I didn’t need treatment, and that I certainly was not a victim. No, the abuse doesn’t end with the abandonment. I’ll share more of that in another section.