The Damage of the Lies

There are not many things worse than a grown man who is still telling lies. He is old enough to know better, yet he still chooses deception over honesty: constantly. He chooses manipulation over transparency and mind games over maturity.

He thinks he is slick - getting away with it (and in some cases, he is), but his closest supply is aware and is learning just how deeply immature he still is.

When a grown man lies, it isn’t just dishonest: it’s disrespectful. He is communicating that your feelings, trust, time, and dignity don’t matter to him.

The damaging effects on the relationship are enormous, and you, as his supply, end up feeling foolish for believing him, foolish for loving him, foolish for giving him chance after chance - and you find yourself repeatedly betrayed by his lies and manipulation. After the discard, as the lies and manipulation continue around you, your heart has to revisit the truths of the betrayals and feels the sting once again.

The Lies; Oh, the Lies!

Excessive Defensiveness

Catch a narcissist in a lie and they will very quickly become hostile, defensive, and maybe even violent. I share elsewhere how my narcissist responded when I proved to him that I knew the truth about his cruise. He threatened to run over me.

On another occasion, when I asked him to explain how he could outright lie to our children about our relationship, he responded with the most hateful email I’ve ever received from anyone - attacking every part of who I am and leaving me in a puddle of sobs and a heart that knew better than what he was saying, but couldn’t help but question what I knew to be true.

Blame Shifting

This habit is often a part of the narcissist’s life, but is sometimes used to deflect from the truth when a lie has been told. Shifting the focus to another person, accusing someone else of wrongdoing doing and refusing to be accountable are signs that there is another deception or outright lie taking place.

He’s So Convincing!

A difficult question is this: Does he believe his lies? The answer isn’t a hard yes or no!

Some narcissists engage in self-deception, convincing themselves that their lies are true to maintain their distorted self-image. Others knowingly lie but justify it as necessary to protect themselves or manipulate others.

 In either case, their dishonesty is rooted in their deep-seated need for control and admiration. When confronted, they often double down on their lies rather than admit the truth.

WHY LIE?

Narcissists lie to serve their self-interest, using deception to maintain control and protect their image. They lie to avoid shame, manipulate others for admiration or compliance, and create false narratives to reinforce their superiority. 

When confronted, they deflect blame and evade accountability. Lacking empathy, they rarely consider how their lies affect others, focusing only on personal gain.

For those who think they aren’t aware of what they are doing. Sadly, their deception is often strategic, ensuring they remain in control while avoiding consequences.

Ultimately, lying becomes a habitual tool to manipulate, protect their ego, and maintain the illustion they want others to believe.

Inconsistent Stories

One of the indicators that your narcissist is lying is that their stories change. You may hear this when they are speaking to others, and you may pick up on it when they are speaking to you and have forgotten what they told you prior.

When I saw this and asked questions about it, he always turned it on me, saying that I wasn’t listening the first time, or that I had a bad memory or even that I was lying. Since he left me however; I’ve seen it more clearly when various of my children shared with me what he was telling them. He would tell one son that he and the other woman didn’t have a relationship, but were business partners, while telling a daughter that they were in a relationship and were living together, traveling together and building a home together. When he and the woman both moved but to different locations he changed the story once again - to telling our son that he was interested in a different woman and there was absolutely nothing between him and the first woman. She still visits him at his home at the beach, he still stayed with her when he came to town over the holidays and for other reasons and when she sold her home, he acted as her “partner” in helping her move - helping with her new home, etc. The story is constantly changing.

Another example of this type of inconsistent story… I heard that he was going on a cruise when he walked into my house and took my daughter’s suitcase, saying that he wanted to use it and he would do as he pleased. As he closed the door behind himself, he grinned and bragged to me about the cruise he was going on. This was intended to hurt me, since I had asked for a cruise for an anniversary trip and this was the year of our 30th anniversary.

I would be told by one daughter that the other woman had paid for the cruise for them, and they were staying in separate cabins. (what he had told her) He told another son that he was going alone. He posted a picture on social media of his time on the cruise, and the other woman was obviously with him, and every photo of the fabulous meals he was having had two at the table… When I asked him about it several weeks later, he swore on a Bible that he was on the cruise alone. When I told him I had seen pictures and she was there, he threatened to run over me with his car if I didn’t move away from his window.

Sadly, I seemed to be the only one picking up on the different stories - the outright lies and the manipulation of whoever he was speaking with at the time.