One of the joys of homemaking is the little touches, like lighting candles to create atmosphere and a welcoming aroma. If my narcissist was home when I lit candles, he found pleasure in walking through the room and blowing them out.

Little Things - Big Things

I am sure my readers are familiar with the concept that the little things in life make all the difference! I want to share here how those little things that make life wonderful become the little things that make life miserable when living with a true narcissist.

Part of being hospitable in your home is keeping it clean and neat enough so that when others enter, they feel comfortable. Anytime I would try to prepare our home for guests, I would be accused of trying to impress them, and he would even go about undoing my work. For example, on Sundays when the entire family was coming for dinner and an afternoon together, I would often spend all night cleaning, cooking, and just preparing. On many occasions, I would return from church and find that he had intentionally “messed” things up - to frustrate me, yes, but also to humiliate. On one particular Sunday, the entire family came home from church together, and I discovered that he had emptied the dryer of clean clothes and scattered them on the kitchen table and the couches in our den. He had put full trash bags by the door (where everyone entered) and had moved items in the kitchen to clutter the countertops. He then tiptoed behind me and whispered, “You really should have cleaned things up before having people over!” I didn’t respond, but was struggling to contain my emotions, so he then loudly proclaimed for all to hear, “What did y’all do to upset your mother? She seems to be in a bad mood!” This is a typical example of gaslighting combined with deflection and building his flying monkeys. (Upset his supply and then draw attention to the fact that she is upset to manipulate others’ opinions.)

Lip Gloss? Really?

Yes - another little thing - I don’t know about other women, but I have always felt a little more attractive if I am wearing lip gloss. Dry lips have always bothered me. Every single time I put lip gloss on when my husband was around, he would order me to remove it, telling me that I looked silly with it on. He did the same thing when I put on a ball cap on a day that I wanted to go more casual. He told me that I looked silly in hats and shouldn’t wear it. Oh - and every time I braided my hair, he mocked the way I held my head, telling me that I walked around like I had a crick in my neck. Now, mind you: I often did have severe pain in my neck. But notice that his concern wasn’t that I had pain. It was that he was embarrassed by the way I held my neck.

Privacy

When married to a narc, there is no such thing as privacy - not while bathing, not while using the restroom, not while praying… never. Imagine over the years, feeling like he is mocking you at every turn, hearing criticism every time he opens his mouth. Knowing that he won’t knock and ask to enter, he will just barge in at will. Yes. That becomes normal. After my narc moved out, he continued to do so. I woke one morning with him standing in my bedroom, asking me why I was still in bed. On another morning, I stepped out of the shower to find him standing there. On another early morning, while I sat on my couch reading and writing, he walked into the back door without considering knocking. Mutual respect and privacy are necessary for sanity. There are times when yes, individuals just need it.

I’m a music lover and have been for as long as I can remember, even as a child and teen; I always played music while cleaning. When I was young, I had 8-track, record, and cassette players in my room, and it gave me great joy to blast the music while I worked through my chores. As an adult, that didn’t change. However, my narcissist didn’t appreciate the music. I never understood why, but the “annoying” music was always turned off when he was home, stealing a small piece of joy in life from me.

Often, it feels like you are in the middle of some horrible game. The narc will feign an interest in your desires or preferences, and then will do or purchase the exact opposite of what you expressed. There are many examples of this over the years in my story, but one of the most recent was while we were in the midst of what was described as a remodeling of our home. Each appliance purchased for the kitchen was done without my being present and with my expressed preferences being ignored. On the one occasion that he took me with him to look at options for kitchen cabinets/drawers; he mocked everything I asked for until finally, the salesman looked at him and said very directly, “What is your problem? Why won’t you let her have anything she wants?” At this point he angrily replied, “Fine!” and sat down in the corner of Lowes and played on his phone while I tried to hold back the tears and look around. When he decided our stairwell banister needed to be replaced, he called in a company that measured and left a brochure that pictured all of their options. I looked through the photos and then told my husband the one style that I simply hated - and asked him to choose anything except that. That is the one that he chose, purchased, and had installed. Unless you’ve lived this kind of disregard and deliberate action, you cannot fathom how much it hurts. I was told that it was a perfectly acceptable choice by those who knew what he did, but no one seemed to understand how hateful the action was. I was once again expected to quietly accept his treatment to keep the peace.

For the overall big picture, the small offences of life are generally easy to overlook. But when the small things become habitual, evidence of a deep-rooted self-centeredness, they cause tension in everyday life where there should be peace. One of these things in my life centered around parking in the driveway. My narc’s priority was his convenience, and that meant anger if someone parked behind him (pinning him in) or in front of him (making him further from the door), too close to the wall, or too close to the house. It didn’t matter where I chose to park - it was wrong. I’m amazed when I think about this too much because I find myself simply moving someone’s car if I need to leave, or walking a little further if someone else can park closer… thinking about the comfort of others first seems natural; but not for the narc. This is one of the little things that were a regular part of my life with my narc. The underlying stress that was always present was keeping me tied in knots: waiting for the next complaint or outburst and I didn’t even realize how heavy that burden was.

The little problem of “everything is mine” creates big problems in day-to-day life. I shared a bed with a narcissist who believed the lights, the fans, the music, the blankets… all of it belonged to him. Only his comfort mattered. Yes, the music, the soft lights, everything that was a part of my sleeping patterns before him were eliminated. I realize that I complied without much thought because, afterall; compromise makes relationships work. It didn’t occur to me how little of me was left until years later.

Beyond that, the anger expressed if he was awakened by my needing to go to the restroom in the night, or waking up sick, was indicative of his belief that only he mattered. Yes, many families have discussions over the remote, but with the narcissist, there is no discussion. If he is home, it belongs to him; what is watched will be decided by him; no question. Any gift given that he later decided he wanted for himself, he simply took and declared it was never a gift. No one else owns anything.

Did You Say Something?

Imagine having a man who seems completely uninterested when you're speaking from a hurting heart. You're not yelling, you're not accusing, but you are trying to express how you feel. Between your sentences, he continues to stare and says nothing. And as you sit there, waiting in silence, hoping for a simple sign of care or concern, you get nothing. You wonder if he has heard anything you’ve said, because his response is silence. Then, finally, the only words he offers are, "Are you done?" With that, he gets up and leaves the room, and you begin anywhere from 24 hours to weeks of silence.

Imagine how small that makes a woman feel.

This is difficult when it happens once or twice. But picture this as your life night after night. You’re crying in the dark, wiping tears off your face quietly so you don’t disturb him… and he’s fast asleep. It appears that he is perfectly peaceful. Unbothered. Disinterested in you or your needs. If you question his heading to bed without communicating, he answers that he needs rest because he has work in the morning. (This constant statement reminds you repeatedly that in his mind, what you spend your days doing is not valid enough to need sleep at night.) Yes, once again, you don’t matter. Your emotional pain or needs should be scheduled around his convenience. Your desires, needs, and hurts aren’t valid because he is tired.

Imagine loving someone so much that all you want is to feel the same energy you felt when things were new… when he couldn’t go a day without complimenting you, when it appeared that he listened: yes, back when he tried. You are longing for a day when you aren’t begging for effort on his part. You remember the love bombing stage - he made you feel like his world needed you. Now, all you’re asking for is a fraction of that version of him… but he no longer sees the need.

Yes… Imagine this being your every day.

Everyone has bad days. Everyone has “I’m too tired today” days. But this isn’t one bad day. It’s a routine of silence. It’s a routine of walking on eggshells. It’s the same record of trying to explain yourself over and over just to be met with nothing except exasperation and comments like, “Leave me alone!”

Hey, I’ve been widowed. What I’m describing is being in a relationship that makes you feel lonelier than being single ever did. And that’s what hurts the most… giving your heart to someone who holds it with indifference. Loving someone who makes you feel like a burden for simply wanting to be loved.

Over the years of this routine, you begin to accept that you are married to someone who turns his back on your needs, your emotions. You long for presence, not just physical, but emotional. When he’s in the “mood,” you get the physical long enough for his needs to be met, and then you are on your own again. There is no consistency, and the roller coaster begins to wear you down to exhaustion. Sadly, you get used to never being heard, to simply being tolerated - until one day, he doesn’t even do that anymore.

Let’s Walk Together

He intentionally walks in front of you, as a reminder that you do not matter. Not an occasional getting ahead, not an accidental, absent-minded, walking too fast, but an intentional walking ahead; even when asked to slow down, so you can walk together. On one occasion, my husband got out of the car in a restaurant parking lot, headed for the restaurant so quickly that I got out of my side and tried to run toward him to catch up with him, and tripped over a hole in the parking lot, falling to the ground. He turned when he heard me fall and laughed while telling me to hurry up and come on, never coming back to help or ask if I was ok.

It’s the little things… like the words they use.

When a narcissist is mistreating you and denying it - he isn’t just denying the pain he is causing you (which he will), he is telling you who he is. He is letting you know that your feelings don’t matter, your voice doesn’t matter. You are telling him that his mistreatment is hurting you, and he is denying what you are saying.

Many of us want to believe the best in others, so we tell ourselves that he just doesn’t realize it - he wouldn’t do it if he did - and yet, over and over in the relationship, when we express ourselves, our very words are denied. Believe him when he says he doesn’t see you, doesn’t hear you, and will not change.

Those little things (his words) are revealing a mindset. He will repeat the same actions until his mindset is changed - you will continue to suffer under the same lies, the same hurt - because in his mind, he is not wrong. His denial is not your responsibility. (Another hard thing to grasp in these relationships, because they are always turning the tables on us.)

Real love comes with accountability - as long as that is missing, count on him refusing to change his behavior.

HINT

Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away. Behold all things are become new!

One of the “little” things that was normal for me; but not normal for most: My opinions or desires didn’t even matter when it came to my clothing, jewelry, or hairstyle. For most of our marriage, I simply accepted this and went along. I remember vividly a time when I had been hospitalized for many weeks, was now heavier than I had been prior to the hospitalization, and I needed something to wear! It was a very rare occasion one night, when my husband took me to the mall and told me we were going to get some things. Everything I looked at and wanted, he told me, wasn’t a good choice, not even the colors I thought looked good on me. He bought me browns, oranges, and greens (all colors that look horrible on me) and made the decisions himself. I was disappointed, but to keep the peace, I thanked him and wore the clothes that I felt very uncomfortable in. I didn’t realize how stifling this was until recently. There was an occasion when my daughter and I went shopping, and I had about $50 to spend on myself. As I went through the racks of clothing, I repeatedly chose something and then placed it back, feeling like I was doing something wrong! I purchased a couple of things and promised her that I would get better at this!

Many people would agree that some of the “holidays” that we celebrate are simply opportunities for retailers to make money, and I wouldn’t disagree. I don’t know of any women who hate receiving flowers or jewelry, or any other type of gift on birthdays, Mother’s Day, or Valentine’s. But I know many, including myself, who are perfectly happy with anything that acknowledges love and appreciation. A handmade card, a quiet evening ride with meaningful songs playing, or sitting together, watching a movie, or even taking a walk while holding hands. My narc? He ensured I knew that nothing was done or given out of love but obligation and under duress. Each Mother’s Day, he would remind me that I was not his mother and, therefore, he was not obligated to acknowledge me in any way. These were occasions when the pain was great, but simply because there was no thought, and yes, “It’s the thought that counts!” It seemed that his motto was “It’s the deliberate jab that hurts!” I often thought how simple it would have been for him to just ask me what I would enjoy doing - and let me know that my thoughts mattered.