There are some things in life that I would rather not become an expert in, yet life has required it of me.  One of those things is this:  Narcissism.   It’s a buzzword these days, and it seems to be one of those words used to describe anyone someone wants to vilify!  My divorce from my true narcissist was recently finalized, and after 30 years of marriage, I’m walking through what separation and divorce look like when dealing with the real thing.   As a believer and one who meant the words, “I do,” when I promised to walk through this life with my narcissist til death do us part, I chose to love in every way that I knew how, to keep trying, to keep investing in my marriage. It wasn’t enough. I want to be candid and put into writing my personal experiences in hopes that several things may happen: 

 1)  The word “narcissist” will no longer be used frivolously because it minimizes what the real victims go through.   

2)  Eyes will be opened, and compassion and action will be taken on behalf of actual victims.   

 3)   Those thinking of entering a relationship with this type of person will be stopped in their tracks!

4)  Church leaders will begin to take this abuse seriously and help the abused in their membership. 

5)  An understanding of the importance of forgiveness and healing will be gained.

 6)  My experiences will glorify God, and HOPE will be given to others walking similar paths.

7) Anyone who comes across this site and recognizes themselves as someone behaving like a narcissist will not only see themselves but also be willing to do the hard thing: repent, seek forgiveness from those they’ve hurt along the way, and become the incredible humans that God created them to be!

So, the way I’m going to do this is pretty simple.   I’m going to take the terminology of experts and therapists, the quotes that we’ve all seen,  and I’m going to use real-life experiences/stories to clarify what it all means. This writing is full of factual events and habits.  I have no desire in the writing to be identified personally, to have sympathy or concern from others.  I’m writing under a pen name because my goal is not to hurt my narcissist or others who have hurt me along this journey - I am working hard to forgive and heal and move forward with my life, and justice for all he has been and done and continues to do in my life is up to God.  I genuinely believe that, and I continue to pray for him.  As I have told him, I continue to love him, but I’ve had to face the complex reality that he does not and will not love me.   I cannot love someone on purpose for over 30 years and then try to destroy him because he hurt me,  even if the hurt is deep.   To remain anonymous to most, I will also change family names, numbers, and details that don’t matter in stories to protect both the innocent and the guilty.

 My heart desires to live wholly dedicated to loving God, loving others, and shedding light where much is hidden in order to help others.  I have forgiven numerous times, found myself prostrate and weeping with a broken heart before the only One Who has any power to heal my hurts, repair my broken spirit repeatedly and supernaturally love through me when I can no longer love on my own.  He is my reason for living, my reason for loving, and my reason for striving to be a victorious warrior, regardless. 

So let’s start with some of the most recognized terms today and delve into all this.  Love bombing, Gaslighting, and Supply are three terms you will hear anytime you are researching or discussing narcissism.

  *Love-Bombing

Here are a  few general statements about love bombing that are easier to understand when you hear about real-life experiences.

*Love bombing is a deceptive tactic where someone showers you with excessive love, compliments, and attention to manipulate and control you.

*Love bombing is done to keep your attention focused on how wonderful they are.

*The goal is control:  to make the recipient emotionally (and otherwise)  dependent on them.

*It is important to note that love bombing is not about the recipient being loved - it is about the giver being praised, admired, and ultimately gaining control.  

*Love bombing often includes sweet pet names:  Mine was Princess.  However, once the control has been gained,  the pet name changes to something ugly or offensive to the receiver.  

When I first heard this term, I thought,  “Well, that sounds pretty good!”  After all, who doesn’t enjoy being “bombed” with expressions of love?  Sadly, that is precisely why this technique is so effective.  It feels good to the receiver, for a time.  So, what is a clear definition of love bombing?  Simply put, it is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.   If you’ve done any reading on Narcissism, then you have no doubt seen this term, and you may have wondered about the specifics.  Another definition given is a type of emotional abuse where someone uses grand gestures to manipulate another person.  (The keyword is manipulate)  A love bomber may “bomb” you with gifts, compliments, and affection, but you learn later that these actions are not done out of kindness but out of a desire to manipulate.  This happens when a true narcissist has set his goal on you - to win you over.  It happened in the “let me get to know you” and then the dating stage, and ended abruptly a few days after we said,  “I do!”  In my relationship, I have been the recipient of his love bombing, and I’ve witnessed him doing it to others - 

It was the love bombing that reeled me in.  Someone recently asked one of my children how I ended up with someone like him.  The answer:  “He was a con artist!”  

When my narcissist chose me as his supply, I was a young widow with two young children.  I was focused solely on raising my children and serving in ministry wherever I could.  There had been men who had shown an interest,  but I truly had no desire to date or remarry.  None.  My narcissist saw me and my children in church and then heard our story and decided I was his target.  Looking back and having learned what I’ve learned, it makes sense.  He was going to be the hero.  At the time,  I didn’t know people functioned this way!   He was a divorced man,  dressed extremely well, drove a fancy sports car, and seemed to be in the church whenever the doors opened.   He randomly approached me one Sunday morning and told me he was a pilot and would love to take my children for a flight!  I had never been introduced to him, and the idea of my little ones flying with a strange man was awful!   I told him I didn’t think so and walked away.   Later that day, I asked a friend who he was and told her about the interaction.   She laughed and said,  “Oh, that’s just ‘Jim’.  He’s a good guy!”     A few weeks later, my brother had a family emergency, and it was announced in our Sunday School class that I would be traveling with my children to my brother’s home to help his family.   After I had put my children to bed that night, my phone rang.  A stranger said,  “Open your front door - there is something on the porch for you!”   Frightened, I called my neighbor and asked him to come over and see if someone was on my porch.  He knocked, told me to open the door, and handed me an envelope.   The note inside said,   “I hope this helps you with your trip expenses.”   Signed, Al Anonymous. A few weeks later, I was invited to a couple’s gathering at a friend’s home and assured that there would also be a few other single adults there.  I was new to the church and hoping to make friends, so I left my children with my mother and went to my friend’s home.  We were playing games when someone asked where I lived, and this man told them!   I was shocked he knew where I lived, but I kept playing.  A few minutes later, I decided to check on my children, went to my friend’s kitchen phone, and called my home.  There was no answer.   I called my mother’s home.  No answer.  I was concerned and returned to the room with everyone and told my friend I needed to leave because my mom wasn’t answering either phone.   *This was before we all had cell phones.  As I walked to my car, this man came running up behind me and handed me his car phone - one of those big black things that only the “wealthy” had at that time.   He showed me where my number was (on speed dial).   This was when it registered to me that this must be Al-Anonymous!  I remembered he was the same guy who had offered to take my children flying.  Do you see a pattern of love bombing yet?   The hero at every turn?   I had never heard of this term and didn’t recognize it.  It truly felt like someone was interested in my life and needs, and was helping. Following the evening service, the next Sunday, I was invited to go out with this same group of friends and took my children.  When I went to pay for our meal, I discovered it had been covered.   When I got into my car, this man showed up at my door and told me he had paid for our meals.    Christmas Eve was on a Wednesday in that particular year.   When we came out of the church service that night, the back of my van was filled with Christmas gifts for my children, all signed by Santa.  Everything you could imagine was in these packages:  Race Tracks, Fishing Poles,  Etc.  And there were two very personal gifts for me.   (A little black dress and a bottle of perfume)    When he called my home later to see if we had opened them all and what we thought, I told him as kindly as I knew that I couldn’t accept his gifts.  He was offended, and I didn’t understand why - because it was clear that we barely knew each other and that these very personal gifts were inappropriate.  He told me then that he wanted to date me and had the place picked out for whenever I decided I would go out with him.   A week after Christmas, he told me he had tickets to a professional basketball game and wanted to take my children.  I told him he would not take them anywhere without me, so he said I could go too.   He picked us up in his sports car, prayed with us before leaving the driveway, drove to the arena, and parked.  As we walked to the front, he said,  “We’ll stand here and find someone to buy tickets from!”   “WHAT?”   He had promised my children a professional basketball game and didn’t even have tickets!   We stood for a while, and I got increasingly angry at what he had just done to my kids!   We did not get tickets, and as we walked back to the car (he at a pace about 6 ft in front of my children and me), I couldn’t even imagine how someone could set kids up for a disappointment like this.  His aggressive driving and rudeness to others while we were leaving the parking lot should have been red flags to me, and they were in the instant - I was so upset by the whole thing, and I let him know.  He took us to Chuck E. Cheese, and we sat and argued while my kids played.  He would tell me later that he swore he would never speak to me again because I had been so unkind to him that night!   Looking back,  He turned the whole thing into him being a victim of my anger, when in fact,  I was a mom protecting her children! We parted ways that night without wanting to see one another again!   Hang on:  the love bombing continued!