After The Discard
“You’re FREE! He Can No Longer Abuse You - Right?”
What so many do not understand is the far-reaching effects of a long-term narcissistic relationship, especially if it involved marriage. Even how the narc ends the marriage is itself abusive. Refusing to have adult conversations robs the victim of the narc of any sense of control, closure, or understanding of what took place. In other words, it is another act of overbearing control of her life. He strips her of her voice once again.
The extreme “aloneness” felt after this type of discard by a narcissist is difficult to put into words. Trying to do the right thing for our family and him, I told him on the day that he announced to the family that he would always be welcome for Sunday family dinners and holidays. He hasn’t shown up for the Sunday dinners, but has come for some major holidays. On those occasions, I have done my best to serve him, speak to him, and make things as comfortable as possible for him and our children. However, he has refused to acknowledge my presence or talk to me. On one such holiday, I simply asked him, “Can we talk?” He said, “NOPE! I have no desire to speak to you!” My mind doesn’t understand how you can be married to someone for 30 years and then suddenly pretend they never existed in your life.
If I’m honest, as I build this site and write my story, I’m a little bit disappointed that even this will quietly happen without any sort of celebration of an accomplishment in my life. Because I have to do it anonymously, most of the people who know me and love me won’t even know that, after several years of work, this goal is complete. Just another part of life after the discard.
Moments of gratitude: I had someone approach me today and tell me how rude my narcissist has been in places of business recently. Why do I feel gratitude? Because he walked away from our marriage to be "free," and I no longer feel responsible for his words and actions. I have nothing to do with his choices and no longer feel responsible to protect him or his reputation.
He never responded.
My narc discussed leaving me with my eldest children before I had a clue what he was planning. I would discover later that he had purchased an RV before he even told them. He eventually placed it on another woman’s property. He was making these plans and doing all of this while asking his children where he should take me for a Valentine’s meal, keeping up the appearances of “doing good things” for me. Yes, we went out for a Valentine’s lunch, spoke only about the menu, and he was on his phone the entire time. I would learn about his plans the next month. He then gathered the family together and announced that he was leaving their mother, that we didn’t make each other happy, and that he had never been unfaithful to me! With that, he walked out the door. He emptied our bank account the next day, emailed me his separation demands, and moved into his RV - on the property of the woman he would eventually share a home with. Everything he owned, except a bag of clothing, was left in my home. Four closets of his clothes and equipment, boxes and boxes of his belongings all over our bedroom and the office, as well as the garage filled wall to wall with years of items. For almost a month, I asked him to come and take his belongings, but he couldn’t be bothered. When I couldn’t emotionally deal with it anymore, I rented a storage unit. I spent two full weeks packing up his items and hauling them to the storage unit that I now had to pay for in addition to taking on the household expenses. He randomly showed up and walked into the house one day after I had moved his belongings. In another act of disrespect and arrogance, he walked in while I was in the shower, and was standing in the hallway when I stepped out, demanding I tell him where his guns were. He had already checked the closets he had left them in. Just in case you missed it, he hadn’t knocked and entered; he had walked in and stood in my bedroom door when I stepped out of the shower. While he accused me of being vengeful for cleaning up and storing all his things, I answered as calmly and kindly as I could. I reminded him that I had asked him to clean his things up and out, but that he had not responded, that he left it all for me to deal with. I then told him that I had not been vengeful, but that I had boxed and stored it all neatly, and I was paying to store it instead of throwing it all away. He stormed out in anger. Many months later, he finally came and took what he wanted from the unit. While doing this, I discovered gifts his children and I had given him over the years, stuck in the corners of the closets. I even found cards where love was expressed that he had never opened. With each shocking discovery, I had to accept more and more truths that I had been in denial about for years. Just a few weeks after he took the items I had boxed up for him, he passed me on the road, pulled over, and handed me photos of our children that I had boxed for him. He didn’t want them.
It was only a few months after he walked out that one of our children was getting married. Leading up to the wedding, I would hear repeatedly of conversations he was having with our children: accusing me of things and “explaining” his leaving. Two nights before our child’s wedding, I was returning from time spent with some of them and simply sent him a video message, asking that he please stop lying about me. I asked him to please be respectful of our children and keep them out of anything between us, and to talk to me about his complaints instead of them. I told him in the video that I was asking as kindly as I knew how and for their good.
The next night, yes, the evening before the wedding, I received a scathing email. I read through it again today, and it has made me physically sick once again. I considered putting it directly here, but it is simply too graphic to do so. I’ll paraphrase portions of it. First of all, he stated that I am a liar, that he had asked around and everyone had told him that I was not in therapy - ‘maybe I should stop lying about that!’ He then accused me of doing all things for show, including any sort of ministry or public physical nearness with him. The truth is that I was always the initiator of hand-holding or nearness, and he always pulled away, making excuses about public displays of affection or his having bodily responses that would be embarrassing if he held my hand. I always heard those words as a refusal toward my efforts.
He then told me in the letter that the family joke was that Mom and facts don’t get along. That WAS his constant statement and one of the jokes that he made openly when trying to deflect from anything that he had done to hurt me. Remember that one of the markers of true narcissistic abuse is that they manipulate the facts just enough to cast doubt on the truth. (I would argue that perspectives of life events can differ - our views are different, but I have always had a strong aversion to lies and would never purposefully distort facts or lie about things that happened. ) After declaring that everyone in the family knows me as a liar, he then went into attack mode concerning my relationships with my children, saying that I was incapable of loving them and that they all knew it. He said that they had never been my priority, and everything I did for them was so that they would make me look good. He even said that he had asked each of them, and they had all stated this. *Yes, I have asked several of them if this was their view of me and if there was anything I had done as their mom to hurt them. Two of them expressed some things that they struggled with, and we talked about them in detail, like adults handling things that needed to be addressed! I asked all of them if they ever felt that I didn’t love them or only did what I did for appearance; they said they did not. Several of them expressed the opposite: that I had taught them how to love one another by the way I loved them. The two who wanted to discuss things that they wished had been different, both told me that they knew that my decisions were always based on my love for them and what I believed was best and that they never questioned my love.
He also accused me of creating any conflict he had with our children - saying that I was the reason any of them thought ill of him at any time - that he had also asked each of them if they had issues with him as a father and that each one had told him that he was a wonderful father and that I had made up any perceived conflict between them and him. The fact is that I tried for years to protect him, to make excuses for his words or behavior when they were upset by them, and this is one of the main things that was brought up by those who wanted to talk about what I had done that bothered them; they wished I had done it differently. He then stated that we had been to 5 different marriage counselors over the years and that each of them had told him that I was a problem and had caused all of the problems in our relationship. It amazed me that he could even lie directly to me about something that he knows I would know the truth about! (We never went to marriage counseling. We went to one pastor for one meeting concerning a disagreement we had over one of our children. It was not marriage counseling - it was him hoping to have his opinion backed up about one issue concerning our child. I was told that my opinion didn’t matter; that he was the leader and I should step back and force our 18-year-old “child” to do as he said. (This was a disagreement about whether our child could present the gospel to a group of people who were not of our same denomination.) This was a situation in which I finally stood my ground and supported our child, and was punished with silence for the next few months, while our child was punished with the same silence as well as the lack of support from his father. Early in our marriage, I had spoken with our pastor concerning an incident where he threw blocks at our children, and I had gathered them up and left the home, and contacted our pastor. He spoke alone with my narc and then called me to tell me that based on his conversation with him, it was my fault because he felt like an outsider in the family - like my children and I were the three amigos and I needed to work harder to make him feel like a member of the family. This was not a marriage counseling, but a narcissist gaslighting me in a situation that was him losing his temper at children being children! Again, at no time did we ever go to marriage counseling! At the end of this letter, he told me that he was so done with me and was so happy and at peace away from me.
It is difficult to re-read that letter and even more difficult to put it here. I know who I am and who I have been. I also know how I’ve spent the years of my adult life. In other words, deep down, I know the truth about myself; my flaws, my priorities, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I also know what has driven me over the years - and it has nothing to do with anything other than love for my family and those God has allowed me to do life with, but the power of a narcissist and his words is enormous. I found myself prostrate on my face on the floor asking God if anything that he said about me was true! The night before our child’s wedding, the timing of this devastating communication was not by accident. It was followed by a day of willing every part of my being to focus on the joy of our child’s wedding, the joy of being with our family, and trying to make sure that everything was as beautiful as possible for all of them, while my heart was breaking inside.
Oh, those days after the discard - the need to communicate as I was processing all that was happening was great! At one point, after he continued to demand that I sign the legal separation papers he had sent, I wrote this - as my last opportunity to communicate my heart.
Dear John,
I wish we could sit down and have this conversation face to face, but I know that you have no desire to talk to me - so once again; I've written. :) I know: One of the things you love about me.
My wrongs have been addressed repeatedly over the past year so I trust you know that this letter is not an effort to make myself out to be "Ms Perfect" as you would say. I’ve asked you multiple times to forgive me for my failures, to forgive me for my words concerning hating you or wanting you out of my life and I am truly sorry. It has taken me the past year to be able to verbalize better what those outbursts were really saying. I do know when I wrote up papers in the past, I told you very clearly that all I really wanted was a real marriage. I was hurting so badly and I was so lonely and I was simply trying to get your attention - but I wasn’t successful in making you want to hear me.
I have signed the paperwork that you have asked me to sign. By doing so, I realize that I am granting you your freedom in the eyes of the law *though I don't believe God sees it that way :) - but I am going to ask one more time that you hear my heart. Please care enough about me to at least hear me.
A divorce has never been my desire. A real marriage is what I’ve wanted since June 20, 1992. And yes, I do remember where I was at 11:00 on June 20, 1992 - though you told me clearly last week that you don’t remember. It was a day that I was filled with hope and I’ll never forget sitting in the airport waiting for our plane when you went to the gift shop to get me something for my upset stomach. I cried tears of joy - realizing how tired I was, how good it felt to be loved, to be someone’s person… how much I needed you to love me; take care of me…
I’ve been forced in therapy and in my own studies to look back and verbalize my feelings and how we became strangers. I do know for a fact that I was a good wife (not claiming perfection) and when I failed you I always asked for forgiveness. And I don’t think you could in honesty say that I ever responded negatively to any effort you made in our relationship.
But - I was suffering. You would always respond, “You’re no victim,” when I would try to express my needs. I never wanted to be seen as a victim - I wanted to be treated as a wife: one who was loved.
What was I missing that I can now verbalize? Please be a person who will at least listen and hear my heart today.
I needed you to see me when I walked into a room or when you walked through a room I was in or in the garage when you were working on a bike. I needed you to hug me when I felt lonely, hopeless, or sad. I needed you to walk into the house at night and ask me about my day. At the end of a hard day, when I'd had nothing but interaction with children and constant cleaning and teaching, I needed you to offer me relief, rest, and help. I needed you to see me as someone with value, a mind, ideas and needs that mattered - not just someone who was here to meet yours and everyone else's. I needed you to defend me when unrealistic people were making accusations. I needed you to be present and defend me so that I knew there was one person who would always believe in me, always be my champion, and always be in my corner. I needed you to cheer me on when something I invested in went really right, and to comfort me when something went really wrong. I needed you to go on walks with me so I could process my thoughts after hours, days, weeks, and months pouring into children. I needed you to see what I did as valuable. Sometimes I needed you to just talk and let me be silent when I didn't have the energy to think or invite me to sit on the porch and look over our amazing property together and talk about what we could do to make it even better. I needed you to recognize and be grateful when I spent the money I earned with my at-home business to fix our basement, pay off medical bills, and repair your credit. I needed you to hear me when I shared my dreams. I needed you to cozy up beside me and wrap your arms around me and let me feel safe - protected in your arms while watching a movie or ballgame on TV. I needed you to show me what makes you excited and involve me, so that I could feel a part and get excited, too. I needed you to show me the difference between a Harley street bike and a dirt bike and invite me to ride. I needed you to ask me how I felt and what I needed. I needed you to go with me to at least one doctor’s appointment and let her/him tell you why I hurt so badly and how you could help me. I needed you to slow down and walk with me when we were out together instead of rushing ahead and complaining that I wasn’t walking fast enough or was in your way. I needed you to call me by the names that made me feel loved instead of the ones that you knew would hurt. I needed you to love my idiosyncrasies instead of seeing them as intolerable. I needed you to listen and not shrug your shoulders or make doubting statements when I talked to you about a child’s appointments and doctor’s analysis’. I needed you to say you liked my laugh instead of mocking it. I needed to feel like you trusted me when I tried to share a concern or thought about the children I spent all of my time with. I needed you to wake me up with a kiss and say goodnight with another. I needed you to be happy to see me and sad to leave me.
I needed you to remember the anniversaries of difficult days in my life and celebrate the good ones with me. I needed you to hold my hand in church like you did when we were dating. I needed you to play card games and board games with me after the kids were in bed like you did before we said, "I do!" I needed you to check on me when you knew I had rushed from one field to another with kids in tow. I needed you to recognize my broken heart when my grandmother passed away - and I needed you to let me comfort you too: to let me visit your dying parents with you - to listen to you express your emotions when they were gone. I needed you to do fun things with me, with our kids and grandkids together - because it is so much more fun with the two of us to laugh over something than to feel and experience it all alone. I needed you to take vacations with me / with us and take walks on the beach with me - and to celebrate our kids' birthdays. I needed you to walk the bike path with me instead of letting me do it alone. I needed you to recognize me as our children’s mother - and thank me for the sacrifices I made physically to bring them into this world - tell me that you loved my body even with the scars, the used-up boobs and the pain that I’ll never recover from. I needed you to plant flowers and build fires with me. I needed you to massage those aching shoulders and neck that always have me in agony. I needed you to take my feet into your hands and rub them like you would before we were married. I needed you to draw a hot bath for me and invite me to rest. I needed you to tell me I looked good even when I felt like I didn't. I needed you to tell me I was pretty when I dressed up for a dinner out instead of asking why - and telling me we weren’t going anywhere nice. I needed you to tell me where we were going when we got into a vehicle together instead of always saying, “Don’t worry about it! I know what I’m doing!” I needed you to ask me for my suggestions for gifts for Christmas and birthdays instead of being offended and feeling criticized when I tried to make suggestions. I needed you to talk about the things you were learning about the Lord, to pray with me over our children and our lives. I needed you to tell me what I was doing right and how our children were turning into good people instead of always telling me what I needed to do better or how I needed to open my eyes to their faults. I needed you to walk up behind me and wrap your arms around me and just whisper, "I love you!" I needed you to participate in the shopping for, planning, setting up, and tearing down of our children’s weddings. I needed you to do something for me and not tell me how much it cost you so that I knew it was an obligation and not love. I needed you to sit with me and dance with me at weddings. I needed you to hang around and laugh and be a part of all of the putting together and cleaning up of family events. I needed you to at least sit in the kitchen with me while I cleaned up after the holiday meals. I needed you to thank me for the work and cleaning for those meals, instead of always mocking me for caring or wanting things to be nice. I needed you to appreciate that part of me instead of pointing it out like it was a sin. I needed you to call me just to say hello and answer the phone like I was someone you wanted to hear from when I called. I needed you to plan trips away for the two of us and make the effort to take them. I needed you to leave the hotel room and sit in the hot tub with me, or go to the pool with me, when I planned and paid for an anniversary trip away. I needed you to hear my efforts to be a helpmate instead of always hearing my suggestions as criticism. I needed you to joke, to smile, to laugh with me like you do strangers, people from work or other “buddies.” I needed you to see me and acknowledge me when I walked into the gym where you were working out, and invite me to go with you. I needed you to go with me when I got calls in the night that one of our children needed us. I needed you to come when I had a flat tire or needed gas, or had an accident, instead of telling me who to call. I needed you to put your phone down when you took me to dinner and talk to me instead of whoever called. I needed you to walk in with random flowers or candy or gifts for me - like you sometimes did, one of the kids = and just show me that you were thinking about me. I needed you to ask me why I couldn’t sleep instead of yelling at me for keeping you from sleeping. I needed you to ask me why I was struggling emotionally instead of calling me hormonally imbalanced. I needed you to ask me why “Serenity” is so important to me and offer to help with the one thing I wanted to do away from home, instead of mocking me and fighting me to keep it open. I needed you to defend me when a child was upset with me, and help me mend my relationship with her. I needed you to help me put up and take down Christmas trees and decorations. I needed you to wrap your arms around me when I was battling pain, emotions, fear, stress or anger and help me navigate whatever was going on instead of pointing out my struggle loudly so that everyone could chide me, mock me, or laugh at my struggle. I needed you see me, to treasure me, to love me. I just needed to be treated as your wife.
I didn’t ask for perfection - I simply needed to feel like I mattered and for you to put some effort into us. When that didn’t happen year after year, I went into survival mode and tried to be the best I could be for everyone else and not deal with how lonely I was or how much I was hurting. Over the past year, I’ve had to come face to face with the fact that you are capable of those things - I’ve seen you do many of these things for Jane, with Jane. It’s obvious that I’m not the one you want or the effort would have been put in here. The pain of rejection is my reality today. I will always love you, John and I will always pray that God will bless you and I will probably always cry over what we could have been for each other. I do believe that in the eyes of God we will always be married: I did not do any of the things that the Bible says are justification for a Biblical divorce. I cannot, however, keep you from doing what you have chosen to do.
Now, according to the law and according to God and the vows we made; I should be asking for alimony and spousal support and much more. I want you to know that I am not being forced in any way to release you from those legalities and your promises to take care of me til death do us part. I am choosing to do so - for your sake. My attorneys and others feel this is a foolish move on my part: but I want you to see it as an act of loving you. I’m going to work hard and trust God to help me - I may be old and alone but I’m nowhere close to done living and I'm going to try to do that one day at a time.
Love,
Torrianna
Manipulation of Truth
The effort to control the narrative and what others think continues long after the discard. You can imagine my shock when I learned that a daughter-in-law (the one who had known us the least amount of time) was quietly told (with tears in his eyes) that his relationships with his grandsons were influenced by me. He told her that I had told them bad things about him, and that’s why they don’t like him. My daughter-in-law felt sorry for him - my son would tell me later, as he told me that he couldn’t imagine me ever doing that. I assured him that I have never spoken an ill word to any of the grandsons about him. Two of my older grandchildren asked their father directly some questions, and I am aware that they’ve discussed things openly, but I have made it a point to be very quiet concerning him with them. There was one day when a granddaughter accidentally saw something on my car screen about him (a ‘nickname” in my phone), and I immediately apologized and called her father to let him know. He assured me that he didn’t care and that his daughter already knew what she had seen. Yes, I was very upset that my narc had taken the opportunity to play the victim with our new daughter-in-law, but I was also concerned that he would think that I would talk negatively about him to our young grandchildren. That’s not who I am, and not something I would ever do. It certainly felt like more of his games and manipulation when I heard about it.
Quiet Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse continues at every turn possible. It was at one of our grandchildren’s ball games months after he left that he walked up behind me and whispered in my ear where no one else could hear. “By the way, I wrote you out of my will and life insurance today!” And with a mocking laugh, he walked away.
Behind the Scenes Patterns
For several years, we used a health insurance system that was shared among families with a premium paid each month in case we needed medical care. It was a full 6 months after he walked out that I would discover that he had stopped making those payments months before he had left and had not told me that I was no longer covered.
Financial Sabotage
After I agreed to take on all of the expenses of the home with the legal separation, he mockingly said to me, “If you miss a single payment, it all becomes mine. You aren’t going to make it!” My mortgage payments continued at the same rate, and I never missed a payment. However, about 6 months later, I received a massive insurance bill for homeowner’s insurance. I called the insurance office and was assured that my insurance had always been escrowed into the mortgage, and I was fine. Months later, I received a notice that my homeowner’s insurance had lapsed, and I had been a full month without coverage. This was from my mortgage company.
I headed straight for the insurance company in person. When I went into the office to find out what had happened, the owner looked at her computer and confirmed that it had always been escrowed in - and this didn’t make sense to her! She made some phone calls and discovered that what had been previously included as escrow in the mortgage payments had been removed and now had to be paid separately. Her exact words: “He did this to make it harder for you financially, and he needs to be beaten!” Because everything remained in his name, there was nothing I could do to reverse that action! I lost my homeowner’s insurance because of this and had to apply for a new policy. Any questioning of these actions results in his complete denial.
But Why Does He Hate Me?
One of my greatest struggles in the aftermath has been coming to terms with the hatred, venom, disregard, ignoring, lies, blocking, etc., from the man who was my husband for 30 years!
How can this human being act as if I don’t even exist except as the target for unkindness? I cannot tell you the depth of the pain that this causes when the relationship is ended. Why has he made me his enemy?
Experts on the subject have these answers: The narcissist needs to frame you as the bad guy by the end of the relationship because typically, they’ve treated you so horrifically that they have to find a way to paint you in a negative light to justify their behavior and maintain their self-image and their image with others. (When I learned this, I couldn’t help but question if this is conscious or simply how they cope with their reality! It seems it is a defense mechanism that they use and don’t really think about - the goal is self-preservation and this is one of the ways they do it.)
They are also paranoid, have fragile egos, and are hypersensitive to even perceived criticism. (I think it’s really important to say once again that these are all sin nature issues - that God CAN and WILL change if the individual turns to Him!) They have a running tally of everything that they’ve ever even hallucinated that you’ve said or done wrong. Yes, they have the memory of an elephant when it comes to the things that they perceive that you’ve done to them, whether you have or whether it’s just their imagination. They resent you because they genuinely believed when they met you that they had found who was going to make them feel better about themselves, the individual who was going to fix what others saw as negative in them, and you didn’t. Nothing ever does.
When you showed yourself to have needs, boundaries, and feelings, when you started to confront them about the reality of how they treated you, they accused you of changing, and they began to resent and to project all of the negative voices within them onto you. They hate you for seeing them for who they are. They hate you for finally standing up and telling them the truth about what they’ve done to you, for pointing out the reality of their behaviors. You’re now all bad. In our page of terminology, we have the word splitting - this is what they’ve now done. They’ve split you - you are no longer all good; you are now all bad, and they can justify in their minds their hatred toward you.
It Goes On and One
Experts will tell you that a true narcissist simply doesn't love anyone other than themselves. "Relationships" are about their needs being met - period. The truth is, though, that the reality hits us smack in the face.
My narcissist walked out of my home with a text message. No communication with me - just others. After 30 years of marriage, he thought it was ok to just discard me, block me on social media, and walk out - period. There had not been an argument, there had not been a discussion - nothing. The details of the way he handled that day and every day since have been painful - over and over and over and every effort on my part to handle the relationship like adults has been either ignored or flat refused.
Recently, I was hit with the facts once again. Early one morning, I heard a car in the driveway and looked to see that it was his. There was no respectful knock on the door, no doorbell... he simply walked in and started looking through the house. I had been extremely sick the night before and hadn't made it upstairs to my bedroom - so I was sitting on a recliner when he entered the room I was in. His words? "Why is there green all over the back of the house? Call your daughters and ask them if they have my mail! Why aren't you upstairs?" When I opened my mouth and said, "I got very sick last night and couldn't make it upstairs," he simply kept talking... "Call your daughter and find my mail" - as he walked through the room I was in and looked through everything. He then made a negative comment while asking a question about one of our sons and as I began to respond, he walked out the door - leaving it open for the animals to come in and left!
A couple of points here.
*The narcissist will always find something negative to say - to point out something wrong with you or something wrong with something you are responsible for.
*The narcissist may ask a question seeming to be concerned about something or someone - but they are simply trying to find something to say; this is evident when they don't listen to the answer or respond with some sort of concern.
*The narcissist is self-centered enough to believe that they can walk in and out and do whatever they please with no respect for anything or anyone else.
*The narcissist will come and go at his convenience and never consider how he may be helpful to others - even those who are 'family'.
As I sit and think through these things this morning, I can name several other incidents that look similar. It makes my heart sad. It makes me angry that someone can be such a monster on some days, a passive narcissist that hurts those closest on other days while pretending to be something completely different to those he wishes to fool - and they get away with it. Those suffering the quiet abuse of the passive moments have no recourse. If I tell someone else, I'm whining and trying to make him look bad. If I confront him, I'm just being too sensitive and trying to pick a fight. If I keep it to myself - well, as I usually do - I suffer in silence and his manipulation continues on endlessly.
Deflection
When I checked into what had been our life insurance policies, I discovered that mine had been canceled months before without my knowledge. When I contacted him and asked him why, he answered: “You didn’t want to see a nurse because you didn’t want to be weighed, so I didn’t renew it!” At no point have I ever refused to be weighed for an insurance policy. In one sentence he was able to deflect the blame for the loss of the policy, but he was also able to insult me, insinuating that I was overweight.
Trying to Grow and Learn
He never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 100s of times for being angry about it.
That sentence holds the truth about so much that happened between us - that destroyed us.
He hurt me with his words, his actions, his silence, but he never showed remorse. He never asked how I felt, or what I needed. He never took responsibility for the pain he caused. And yet, I constantly apologized. Not for what I did wrong but for reacting to being disrespected, neglected and emotionally wounded.
I said I was sorry for being upset. I was sorry for needing reassurance. I was sorry for raising my voice when his silence became unbearable. I said I was sorry for expressing my pain, for letting him see my tears. The more I apologized, the more he believed he was right and I was wrong. The more he believed that my reactions were the problem.
He turned my pain into his inconvenience. My emotions became his evidence that I was just too much, too sensitive, or unstable. He twisted everything while I bent myself in half trying to be less than I am for him to be comfortable. He never met me halfway - never. He was never sorry for what he did to me; he just expected me to get over it and pretend none of it ever happened.
And I did for a long while. I thought love meant that I had to take responsibility for all of it, even when it wasn’t mine to take. And then I found that I was exhausted from all of it. Now I’m learning that I was not to blame for his choices or his treatment of me. He is responsible whether he accepts the responsibility or not.
Sabotage and Lies
Due to a natural disaster in our area and the lack of paychecks, we were instructed by our employers to contact our power and phone companies and request deferral of payments until things were settled down and our income was back on track. When I contacted the power company, they refused to talk to me about my bill because, though I’ve put everything in my name, he has not removed his. We did a three-way call with him where the company representative asked him to put in writing that they could deal directly with me. He refused. When this became a serious issue when our bills more than doubled and I needed a payment plan, my son directed him to call the power company and tell them to deal directly with me so that I could set up payments. He told my son that he had done it. He never did. When questioned again, he lied. I was unable to set up the payment plan as needed, but the Lord helped me find the funds each month until this crisis was over.
Silent Pain
I’ve mentioned elsewhere that knowing your narc so well, being able to read between the lines, to understand motives behind “good behavior” and even being able to predict what he may do next - all is incredibly difficult to live with.
My natural tendency is to scream to the rooftops, “Don’t trust him! Don’t believe him! He is using you!’ He has an ulterior motive! He is doing just enough to pretend he cares!”
My desire to forgive and love like Jesus won’t let me scream those things - so I sit back in silence and watch and listen and once again pretend all is well - but because I am striving to heal from old wounds and not pile on new ones, I MUST process what he is doing and work through it. Otherwise, the healing is halted.
Hidden Scars
Just this week, I’ve faced a couple of realities that are hard to face. Long-term relationships with narcissists - like my 30-year marriage - leave battle wounds/scars that open up like new infections at the most unexpected times! In my healing process, I’ve tried to prepare myself for those times when I think this may happen, but there are also times when I’m caught completely off guard. One of those instances happened just yesterday.
I’ll share the story and then explain -
I came home from a Bible study in the late morning. Several of my adult children and I share our home and have done so with very few problems since my narc walked out and they chose to move in. I saw that no one was home, because there were no cars in the driveway, so I parked away from the house, but in the center of the driveway so that I could do some weeding and mowing without worrying about damaging vehicles.
I paused in my work to get some water, and while I was doing so, one of my daughters returned home with her brother in the car with her, and they jokingly raised their arms and asked what in the world was the “parking situation” all about? I felt something tighten in my chest as I answered, “I am working in the yard and needed to have the cars out of the way. I didn’t know you’d be home so soon.” They smiled and gently reminded me that they were just kidding! A few minutes later, another daughter arrived home and had to park away from the house for the same reason. As she walked into the kitchen, she said, “What in the world, Mom? You’ve got to get your act together!” Again, my chest tightened, and I simply said, “I’m mowing,” put my head down, and went outside to keep working.
As I walked outside to keep working, I began to cry! Then I paused and asked myself why their joking with me about the parking caused such a bodily and emotional reaction in me. Then it hit me. For so many years, I went through every single day being corrected for how and where I parked, scolded for taking up his parking spot, for inconveniencing him by parking too close to the house or too close to the wall, told I was a no driver, and ridiculed for doing things a little differently than he would do them!
I then realized that one of the reasons my children were “joking” about this is that they were making light of how ridiculous his treatment was - they know exactly what he would have said and what I endured for years. There is no way that they can know that the wounds left from 30 years of this are still tender, and when I’m tired and not expecting to hear those words again, my whole system reacts.
Financial Abuse and Control
Is it possible for financial abuse to continue after a narcissist leaves the marriage? Yes, yes it is!
When my children heard that he had emptied and closed the bank account upon walking out, they strongly suggested that he help me with grocery money until I could figure out how I was going to make it financially. He promised them that he would. He walked in the same afternoon and threw a $100 grocery card in my lap. He had told them he would do this every week. The following week, when I didn’t receive anything from him and was trying to host a family dinner, I sent him a text and asked. He angrily asked why I didn’t have money and then sent one of our sons to the grocery store to purchase the store card for me and deliver it. That was the last help with food I received, though he had told them it would be weekly. My vehicle completely died and had to be replaced a short time later. When a son went with me to purchase a vehicle, he suggested that his father should help me with the down payment. I told him I didn’t think he would be agreeable to that, and he immediately picked up his phone and called his father. He told his father what he thought he should do, and he said he would send me $3000 for the deposit. He never did, though my son was told he would and to this day believes he did. I didn’t expect him to help me, but it is still shocking to me that he can so easily lie to make his children think he is reasonable and concerned about me when, in truth, he has done everything he can think of to make life hard for me. Remember - as he walked out the door, he whispered in my ear that I would lose everything: my home and my stupid little business.
Some Say I’m Strong
Some say I’m strong, but the truth is that I get tired. I feel anxious, afraid, lonely, and weak.
Some say I’m strong because I can still laugh through my pain, because I offer help and advice to others while I’m carrying my own burdens.
But most don’t see me cry - because I do it silently. Most don’t know how much I struggle with the battles I fight privately.
Some say I’m strong, but a few have seen me broken and vulnerable.
Yes, even when there is a war raging inside my head, I try to keep my composure.
Some say I’m strong - but am I?
Few ask if I’m still fine. Maybe that’s why I’m always reaching out to others, asking how they are. Deep down, I wish someone would do the same for me. When I continue to go through what feels so heavy in silence, most think I should be over it by now, moved on with no pain or scars remaining. But no. I’ve learned that if I initiate a conversation about this pain, others become uncomfortable and I begin to wish I’d just remained silent. But if I don’t initiate, no one will talk to me about it at all.
Yes, I want more than surface-level conversations. I long for someone to listen to my thoughts, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, without judgment.
Some say I’m strong - but am I?
Am I really strong or have I learned to hide my pain so well that no one notices anymore? Is strength measured by resilience or by how little we allow ourselves to fall apart in front of others?
The truth is, I don’t feel strong. Sometimes I feel downright fragile, worn thin by the weight of trying to act as if everything is okay. I don’t need applause for enduring. I need understanding, connection, and love. I need people to stop acting as if the abuse was a figment of my imagination and the perpetrator is just a man that I didn’t get along with.
Don’t assume I’m strong. Ask me how I’m doing, and then be okay with me telling you that I’m not okay at that moment. Be okay with helping me with the weight of my reality by acknowledging it - even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Continued Manipulation
It’s the July 4 weekend. My family has always enjoyed this holiday together, having our traditional spot for hanging out together for fireworks, etc. Many years ago, my narc stopped joining us. He would say that he doesn’t like crowds or that the traffic bothers him, setting himself up to be socially incapable. However, remember a few years ago when the dreaded C virus was keeping us all at home? Our family was able to purchase the necessary fireworks of our own, and I decorated and planned our own “event” in our yard. The entirety of the family enjoyed one of our most memorable July 4ths while he hung out upstairs in the bedroom. What was his excuse for not spending time with us that year? Anyway, I digress. I learned this year that he was in town and had invited our children to the home of his woman friend and her family for a cookout on July 5. He was invited to join us in our usual tradition, but declined. I was struggling with the emotions that I cannot put into words, but I share here for those of you trying to learn what the victims of Narcissism go through after the discard. This is the second time that he has planned a gathering in her yard with her family and invited our children. In the discussion of whether or not one of my daughters was going to attend, she shared with me that my youngest son had told her of a conversation he had with their father recently. Once again, he had played the victim and sadly told our youngest that several of his siblings are “mad” at him. The assumption, once again, is that I have told them negative things and they are mad at him for what he has done to me. As the spouse in a relationship like this, I can honestly tell you that part of the pain and loneliness is in the fact that I don’t desire to influence my children’s feelings toward their father. At the same time, if anyone else did to me the things he has done to me and continues to do, they would find a hole to bury that individual in. For a few hours after hearing that he had once again taken the route of a victim of their anger toward him, I was angry. Angry that he would again try to manipulate this young man into feeling sorry for him, like he is an innocent victim of his children, because of me. My daughter’s response: “There has to be a relationship present for me to feel anything like anger. I’m not angry. I just don’t care a and that’s his fault! “