LOVE

I cannot answer for others, but I can certainly tell you that it wasn't a flippant choice when I consciously decided to love my husband. No matter what he did to me or said to me, I asked the Lord to give me a deep love for him that wouldn’t cease. I made a conscious choice to work through my pain and force myself to think of who I believed God had created him to be, and I would constantly pray that he would want to be that man. I can say without hesitation today that I love him.

Finances

The choice to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother was made very early in our marriage. I had devoted my entire adult life to this ‘career’, believing that this man who told me that if I did that, he would provide financially, would do that. In this kind of abuse, there is a helplessness that comes with his controlling all finances and financial decisions. There is also a constant threat of punishment if you dare to leave alone.

HOPE

I believe that as long as God is God, there is hope in the darkest situations. Yes, hope for things to be as they should, I hope for men who aren’t loving and serving as God desires, to change. Hope for my narcissist to come to his senses and strive to be the man he was created to be. I held onto this hope throughout the 30 years of my marriage. Was my hope in an unseeing and unhearing God? No. I grieve because my hope was not fulfilled: not because God failed, but because man has a choice, and mine did not choose us. But, my hope was certainly a reason that I stayed.

Lack of Support

Did I ever reach out to church leadership for help? I did. Not a single time was I given as much as a smidgen of understanding, support, or encouragement. I was blamed by one pastor who told me that it was my fault that my husband threw things at my sons, because my relationship with my children was so close that he felt left out, jealous. The next pastor and circumstance that I sought help for was years later, when there were physical altercations between our teens and my husband, and I felt they were the fault of my husband. This time, I was told that I needed to submit to whatever my husband did and said, because he was the leader of the home, even if I thought his actions and decisions were not Biblical. On one occasion, when I was particularly stifled and frustrated, feeling desperate for help, I reached out to a gentleman whom I believed my husband respected enough to listen to. I explained to the gentleman just a portion of what I was dealing with, and he promised to meet with him and talk. By the end of the conversation, my husband told me I was a troublemaker and that he had been told to get me under his thumb. In another situation, my eldest son went to a respected leader in our community to explain what we were facing at home. I was crushed when he returned to me and told me that he was told that protecting me was not his responsibility - that I had chosen to marry my husband and had to deal with it. He was also told to leave the home as soon as possible - that worrying about me was not his problem. I knew in that moment that I was trapped - there wasn’t anyone willing to take a hard look at who I was, who my children were, and who this man we were living with truly was.

Belief System

Our thinking and actions are significantly influenced by the ‘system’ in which we congregate and worship. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has been integral to my healing journey. This personal walk has opened my eyes to a system that failed me for much of my adult life and continues to fail many others. This system is entrenched in teaching that holds wives accountable for the lives of their husbands while placing men on pedestals as the leaders who are to be honored, obeyed, feared, and catered to; regardless of who or what they are. Godly men understand the Scriptural teaching of loving their wives and leadership through serving their families. Godly women have no problem submitting to that leadership and nurturing their children while having their needs met by a loving husband. Narcissists thrive in this environment, however, because their wives long to be Christ-honoring and, through the manipulation, control, and abuse of the husband (with the support of the system), become more and more ‘lost’ in this world. They don’t even realize the damage done to her, and too often, she has no one to stand with her, reminding her of who she is and whose she is. She remains in the abusive marriage because she believes it’s her duty in this system.

False Hope

Hope is a wonderful part of life, but it is also a dangerous tool used by the narcissist to manipulate you. It’s the main thing that keeps you stuck in a hurtful relationship. He does something unusual and kind that feeds your hope that this is the beginning of a change in his behavior. You hope that, finally, he will return to the way he treated you at the beginning of the relationship (during the love-bombing stage) and fulfill the promises he made to you along the way. “We are going to finally have a healthy, happy relationship.” Sadly, what is happening; is hope is the manipulater being used to keep you hanging on, and it is also the thing that sets you up for the devastating fall when he either goes back to his abusive language and ways or even goes so far as to declare that you’re making up the things that were done and said to make you hopeful!

In these moments of “hope,” you see glimpses of the person you married, and then he begins to explain to you that this is what your marriage will be if you will just work on yourself; your reactions, your emotions, your responses to him - then he’ll be the man you thought you married and you’ll have the relationship that he promised you. This tactic works the victim up to such hope that once again, she takes responsibility for all of her pain - afterall, she caused it by being too emotional, not having a sense of humor when he constantly criticized her or made jokes at her expense, not being more sensitive to his stress or not caring well enough for the house or keeping the children in better control. So, her response is to work harder, try to be and do better, humble herself once again to take responsibility for his sins - “If only I were a better wife, he would be a good man. “

Of course, this hope leads to yet another crash when she doesn’t perform as expected and he returns to the abusive language, silent treatment, and/or neglect and further abuse...

FEAR

It isn’t a fear of not being able to make it on her own that keeps one in this marriage. It’s a fear of being disregarded by not only her spouse but also by all of the relationships that will turn on her for walking away—people who have never paid enough attention to know the truth and who will draw conclusions and leave her further alienated when they discover she has failed in her marriage. Sadly, in the Christian community at large, there is this notion that it takes two when in fact it takes two to build a marriage, and it only takes one to destroy it.

Opinions

In this type of relationship, the opinions of outsiders are varied. Some think she’s blind, naive, or even stupid for staying. Others are truly fooled by what the husband allows them to see and have no idea what she is suffering.

What no one realizes is that she knows things are not as they should be! She sees the lies better than anyone. She feels the disrespect deeply. After years of living with this man, she sees the patterns, but she is helpless to change them!

Leaving this relationship isn’t just about packing a bag or changing an address or number! It’s about mentally detaching from the man that she once envisioned spending forever with. It’s about grieving a future that will never happen. It’s about untangling herself from years of emotional manipulation and re-learning how to choose peace over chaos. That requires a strength that most people don’t understand.

LOVE

Yes, I’ve stated this before, but the truth is that real love isn’t based on what someone does or does not do. It is a choice - and when you choose to love someone with not only your choice but your actions, giving them years of your life, doing your best to please them, working to build a life with them - that love is not easily turned “off”. If you can walk away and “stop” loving someone, I would venture to say that you never truly loved them.