One of the most difficult aspects of living with someone who leans into narcissistic tendencies is the overwhelming control that he seeks to have over every area of your life. As the spouse/supply, it seemed that he didn’t respect me as an individual. My narc didn’t seem to understand that I have my thoughts, opinions, desires, abilities, needs… Well, he understood it - but he wanted to be in complete control.

In other areas on the site, I’ve talked about his control in various areas. Recently, there have been some situations that I’ve found myself in that have ‘triggered’ the feelings of his control over what I said, how I said it, where I spoke, and when I needed to just be quiet.

Imagine being an adult, a mother of several children, and sitting among friends in a social setting, and every time you open your mouth to speak, being corrected. Imagine sitting at the dinner table with your family and your husband asking where one of your sons is and you answer, “He’s out riding his bike,” and having your husband turn to you and say, “Shut up. Nobody is talking to you!” and then turning to another child at the table and repeating his question so that someone else would answer.

Again, imagine with me being in a church setting and standing between the pews having a fun conversation with a gentleman who is the father of a friend of your teen sons. When you say something funny but direct to make a point, your husband grabs you by the arm and tells you never to say anything like that again. In this instance, the gentleman stopped him and said, “No! I appreciate her honesty and her humor!”

Imagine with me being at a child’s basketball or baseball game and cheering for your child, and being elbowed and told to be quiet because you are embarrassing him. (Not yelling at the referees or umpires or coaches, simply cheering your own child on!)

Imagine being in a crowded room and the conversation is flowing, but when you express yourself, he turns to you and says, “Don’t say that, that doesn’t make sense!”

Imagine having a family conversation and every time you attempt to add to the conversation, your husband correcting you and saying, “Your mother and facts don’t get along!”

Imagine being in a hospital bed, having just been moved from the ICU, and having been through a major, traumatic surgery. You have drains and lines all over your body, and you are crying in pain. You ask your husband to please ask the nurse for something for pain, but he cannot be bothered. When the nurse comes in, you tell her how much pain you are in and beg her to do something. When she leaves the room, he scolds you for being so emotional while talking to the nurse - it embarrassed him.

He follows this by telling you that he is leaving the next day for a trip that he has had planned for months. When you express your need for him to stay, he shuts you down by telling you that you are being selfish. He doesn’t want to hear what you need.

In each of these instances, nothing that I said was unkind, nothing that I said was inappropriate, and nothing I said was untrue. It was simply that he didn’t want me to talk. It may be that our perspectives were different, but there was no room for that! He wanted to control me. This was habitual - this was how I learned to be uncertain of myself and to hesitate to speak when I have something important to say. This is also how I learned to never express my desires because that would be selfish.

Recently, an old friend left me a voice message on my phone, and when I sent a response, he replied, “I had forgotten how sweet your voice is! I miss talking to you!” Can I tell you that when I heard this message, I cried. I realized in that instant that I had buried the pain of the constant correction, criticism, shushing, and feeling like my husband didn’t want to hear anything I had to say.

I find that almost daily now, I’m surprised when someone asks my opinion, or my desires, or when someone compliments my teaching. Years of being shut down, silenced, and criticized leave you distrusting your own thoughts, afraid to speak up, and again surprised when anyone shows an interest in your perspective or thoughts.

I am also realizing that the very things he accused me of were the very things he was guilty of! I never told him to shut up. I never scolded him for answering a question that was asked to a general group. I never told him not to say something that I overheard him say to someone else. I never refused to answer him when he asked a question of me. I never corrected him in front of groups of people. I never mocked him and told people that he and facts don’t get along. But he was guilty of doing all of this to me. I don’t know how to describe it other than as a desire to control me in another area.

Some may not appreciate my view on this subject, but it is so important to openly discuss it - especially in this day when the lines between male and female have been so blurred, when there are so many attempting to remove what makes us different, and to be honest, how God intended for relationships in marriage to work.

I happen to be an educated, strong, capable female, but I am not built physically, emotionally or mentally to handle things that God created men specifically oriented to handle! That isn’t an insult to me as a female; in fact, I believe we have done a disservice to both males and females with the feminist movement! My best qualities are my feminine qualities. My sons’ best qualities are their masculine ones.

In fact, there is nothing I looked forward to more as a little girl than having a man/husband to lead me, protect me, cherish me and most of all; love me. I’ve mentioned before that I was married before my marriage to my knight in shining armor that wasn’t - and in that marriage I experienced those things. I wasn’t offended by his leadership, his correction or his desire to protect me. In fact, I found great safety in it and one of the most frightening things that I faced with his death was the knowledge that now the decisions and leadership of our little family was in my hands! (That’s when I claimed my Heavenly Father as the husband to the widow).

As an example of his correction, I remember well the one time that he quickly and directly corrected something that I said. We were walking along a sidewalk and I used a word in jest to make a point, and he looked over at me and asked me to repeat what I said. When I did, he stopped and turned to face me and said, “Don’t ever say that again!” He said it firmly but gently and I knew that his correction was needed. He then laughed and said, “You have no idea what that means, do you?” I told him that I didn’t and he explained it to me - without anger, without condemnation; just understanding. Why do I share this with you? Because submitting to godly, loving leadership is not a problem for women who love the Lord and understand His design and plan for marriage. It’s when that “leadership” role is abused and turns into overwhelming control that it destroys the wife instead of protecting and lovinging leading her.