They've experienced deep and continual trauma. What they need is someone who listens with empathy and love. Be a shoulder to cry on. Lend a non-judgmental, listening ear. Validate them. Your support will give them strength and help them recover. It's important to acknowledge the experiences and feelings of the person you're supporting. They’ve been told for way too long that what they lived through didn’t really happen and that they deserved whatever really took place.

Being starved of affection is a real thing - any victim who thrives on meaningful touch will appreciate a sincere hug from a friend or loved one.

Are you a pastor, teacher, or leader among believers? May I respectfully suggest that we replace the “umbrella” teaching with the “watering” idea instead?

The umbrella teaching among so many is perverting the biblical idea of leadership and submission within marriage. It is fueling men with ammunition to abuse their wives and children. It is teaching that the wife and children are dependent upon the husband/father for their relationship with Christ, for their ability to think and function. In doing so, it is empowering controlling and abusive men to do great damage.

What if the teaching is instead that the husband/father has a great responsibility to water his wife with love and protection that she passes on to the children? Oh - that is what the Bible teaches, isn’t it?

A battered wife under the authoritarian control of an abusive husband is drained in every way possible, leaving her depleted and fighting for the life and strength to nurture her children. The watered wife gains her daily strength from the love and care of her husband and is empowered to be what her children need.

True victims don’t want to talk about the abuse all the time. However, one word or sentence from you that indicates that you are aware of who their abuser really is; is like someone pouring healing oil into the wounds of their soul. That one statement will strengthen and help in their journey.

Most victims of narcissism learn that love is conditional in every sense of the word, making an unconditional support system outside of their narcissistic relationship all the more important.

It can be exhausting to watch someone you care about be manipulated, used, and constantly agitated from the stress that results from a relationship with a narcissist. When you feel the need to point out to victims that their reactions are exaggerated, that they should just “let it go,” and that they should not allow their abuser to impact their feelings; don’t! This usually comes from a perspective of wanting to help, but it often adds to the pain and will isolate victims.

Survival mode is where your victim has been - maybe for a year, maybe for many more! I didn’t realize just how starved for understanding I was until one day, while riding along in a car, my son played a song on the radio that brought tears to my eyes - it was called “Better Broken.” My teenage granddaughter reached over and held my hand for the remainder of the ride and for those moments I felt that someone understood my pain.

Be Patient with the victim! Loving, long-term patience will immensely help victims of narcissism. It will give them a breath of relief, a sounding board, and security they can turn to in their darkest moments.

Though it may seem superficial, a support system that includes the victim in enjoyable experiences can improve the morale of the victim greatly. Most victims of chronic manipulation expend all of their energy on surviving; they need to be encouraged and included in your fun. It gives them hope, provides a break from the sorrow of their reality, and changes their focus to the positive.

The Victim

*As the victim of true narcissistic abuse, I can tell you that I don’t want you to see me as a victim. My name here is Torrianna Gale, which means Victorious in the Storm! I want to be valued for who I am, what God can do with my life because of what He has allowed me to walk through - I want to be loved, to be appreciated, to be included, to be wanted, to be heard, for someone to care about my desires, my dreams, what I want for my home, what I want to eat… all of the things that for so many years were withheld from me. If I never have those things - I simply want God to use me to help others who are suffering. From Victim to Victorious. Period.