They've experienced deep and continual trauma. What they need is someone who listens with empathy and love. Be a shoulder to cry on. Lend a non-judgmental, listening ear. Validate them. Your support will give them strength and help them recover. It's important to acknowledge the experiences and feelings of the person you're supporting. They’ve been told for way too long that what they lived through didn’t really happen and that they deserved whatever really took place.

Being starved of affection is a real thing - any victim who thrives on meaningful touch will appreciate a sincere hug from a friend or loved one.

Are you a pastor, teacher, or leader among believers? May I respectfully suggest that we replace the “umbrella” teaching with the “watering” idea instead?

The umbrella teaching among so many is perverting the biblical idea of leadership and submission within marriage. It is fueling men with ammunition to abuse their wives and children. It is teaching that the wife and children are dependent upon the husband/father for their relationship with Christ, for their ability to think and function. In doing so, it is empowering controlling and abusive men to do great damage.

What if the teaching is instead that the husband/father has a great responsibility to water his wife with love and protection that she passes on to the children? Oh - that is what the Bible teaches, isn’t it?

A battered wife under the authoritarian control of an abusive husband is drained in every way possible, leaving her depleted and fighting for the life and strength to nurture her children. The watered wife gains her daily strength from the love and care of her husband and is empowered to be what her children need.

Understand that many of your ‘pat’ answers add fuel to an already very painful ‘burn’! A marriage like this isn’t a simple inability for two people to ‘get along’. The truth is that it takes TWO people to make a marriage work - but it only takes ONE person to destroy not only the marriage but the relationships surrounding it.

True victims don’t want to talk about the abuse all the time. However, one word or sentence from you that indicates that you are aware of who their abuser really is; is like someone pouring healing oil into the wounds of their soul. That one statement will strengthen and help in their journey.

Most victims of narcissism learn that love is conditional in every sense of the word, making an unconditional support system outside of their narcissistic relationship extremely important.

It can be exhausting to watch someone you care about be manipulated, used, and constantly agitated from the stress that results from a relationship with a narcissist. When you feel the need to point out to victims that their reactions are exaggerated, that they should just “let it go,” and that they should not allow their abuser to impact their feelings; don’t! This usually comes from a perspective of wanting to help, but it often adds to the pain and will isolate victims.

Survival mode is where your victim has been - maybe for a year, maybe for many more! I didn’t realize just how starved for understanding I was until one day, while riding along in a car, my son played a song on the radio that brought tears to my eyes - it was called “Better Broken.” My teenage granddaughter reached over and held my hand for the remainder of the ride and for those moments, I felt that someone understood my pain.

Be Patient with the victim! Loving, long-term patience will immensely help victims of narcissism. It will give them a breath of relief, a sounding board, and security they can turn to in their darkest moments.

Though it may seem superficial, a support system that includes the victim in enjoyable experiences can improve the morale of the victim greatly. Most victims of chronic manipulation expend all of their energy on surviving; they need to be encouraged and included in your fun. It gives them hope, provides a break from the sorrow of their reality, and changes their focus to the positive.

The Victim

*As the victim of true narcissistic abuse, I can tell you that I don’t want you to see me as a victim. My name here is Torrianna Gale, which means Victorious in the Storm! I want to be valued for who I am, what God can do with my life because of what He has allowed me to walk through - I want to be loved, to be appreciated, to be included, to be wanted, to be heard, for someone to care about my desires, my dreams, what I want for my home, what I want to eat… all of the things that for so many years were withheld from me. If I never have those things - I simply want God to use me to help others who are suffering. From Victim to Victorious. Period.

I’m going to be very direct here - with bated breath and a wee bit of anxiety based on my experiences in the past. But for the sake of others, please hear me.

Pastors, Male family members, Christian organization counselors… I speak to you here from a place of 30+ years of experience as the wife of a true narcissist - faithfully sitting in the pew of your churches, faithfully serving in the ministries of the church, and caring for my family in every way that I knew how.

I was silently being destroyed - and no one was paying attention! I quietly sought help when I felt desperate, and no one listened. I directly explained my situation when I had to pack the children up and leave for a period- and was told to submit more, that he would respond to my being who I was supposed to be!

My teen son sought help for us, and he was told that I chose to marry the man, and this was mine to bear - he was also told that it wasn’t his responsibility to try to protect me.

What’s more, the isolation I experienced when I quietly confided in someone that I thought I could trust was unbearable. I was no longer worthy of friendship; my children were no longer worthy to be friends of their children… the abuse at home continued, and there was not a single pastor, counselor, leader, or male family member who stood up to my abuser or in defense of me or our children.

When I reached my lowest point and considered ending my life, I had nowhere to turn. I knew that no one would listen to what I was really enduring; they would simply ostracize me more, would lecture me about my responsibility to submit and not be bitter against the man who was abusing me in every way imaginable (except he didn’t directly hit me). I knew that I was on my own and I knew I was close to breaking, so I packed a bag and took myself to a hotel room where I spent 2 days with the Bible open, crying out to God to give me the strength to continue on. And then I returned home to face it all again and try my best to be the mother that my children needed.

This is a failure of churches and believers, and I’m here to tell you that my children and I are not alone in this. The truth is that I pray that some of you will open this site, will study it, will look around, and pay attention to what may be happening within homes and families in your care. Sadly, I doubt many will bother. That’s been my experience, and honestly, I’ve offered it to several and to my knowledge, not a single one has read it. I dare say that your Sunday message or youth rally sermons have far less effect than literally taking care of the widows and children in your care. Oh, did you just correct me in your mind? Widowhood may be a reality for those whose husbands have passed away. It may also be the reality for women who have been abandoned by their narcissistic husband… and what’s worse than being widowed? Being in a marriage with a true narcissist.

Please listen to hear what we are saying…

“My marriage almost killed me. And I was never in immediate physical danger.”

This is the part that most people don’t understand. No one has to hit you in order to destroy you. You don’t have to bleed in order to be broken. Emotional neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, indifference, and emotional immaturity can drain the life out of a spouse in ways that leave no visible, external scars - but these things leave you fighting to survive in your own home.

‍ ‍I’m not being overly dramatic. I’m speaking the truth.

Have you looked through this site and thought, “At least he didn’t beat you!”? Please understand that hitting someone is not the only form of abuse. Please hear me when I say that a true narcissist is too smart to leave bruises on his victim.

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‍ ‍I’m not being overly dramatic. I’m speaking the truth.

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Women married to true narcissists cry themselves to sleep most nights, feeling invisible.

Women married to true narcissists slowly stop speaking up because every time they speak, their words are twisted and used against them.

Women married to true narcissists have their confidence eroded until they truly believe that they are the problem. ‍

I’m not being overly dramatic. I’m speaking the truth.

This kind of damage doesn’t happen overnight, and that is one reason others don’t recognize it.

It builds quietly; through every dismissive comment, through every ignored need, through weeks or months of the silent treatment, through every cold shoulder, through every criticism and through every mocking and criticizing word until one day, she wakes up and realizes that she is no longer who she once was - she has been fighting to keep the peace, and in the process, she was being destroyed.

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I’m not being overly dramatic. I’m speaking the truth.

Emotional abuse is THAT serious. It kills joy, it devalues human life, it kills your sense of safety and yes, it kills love. There are women in your care who are fighting for their sanity, their spirit, and yes, even their will to live. Don’t let them battle alone until it’s too late!

Abandonment, desertion, or whatever you choose to call it when the narcissist walks away from the marriage leaves the spouse with much to walk through and much to overcome. The reality is that the first thing that I had to do was to recognise that what I’d experienced was true abuse.

So many people don’t realise they’re in an abusive relationship. Many of us don’t want to believe it and we certainly don’t have anyone around us recognizing it - remember, the abuser is a manipulator, a con man, a man who is playing with the lives of others!

We often recognise physical violence, but without visible bruises, we ask: “Is it really that bad?” “Is it me?” “He’ll change.” “It was just a one-off.”

We explain it away. We make excuses for him. We question ourselves. I found myself grasping for moments that I could consider the good moments. (He spoke to me today. He took me to dinner today. He didn’t mock me today.)

Abuse doesn’t have to leave a physical bruise to leave a lasting impact. And the ‘end’ of the relationship doesn’t automatically mean you FEEL safe.

A text message can make my body shake before I read it. The marriage has ended, but the fear, shame and survival responses remain. I can know what happened wasn’t my fault. I can know that he is miles away and I’m safe now. And still, I do not FEEL safe. Understanding the psychology doesn’t automatically change the physiology.

If you are walking with someone who seems agitated or struggles to explain what happened may be responding to trauma. Understand that when listening to their account and deciding how to support them. Abuse and coercive control affect the nervous system. Be a listening ear. The kind of listening ear that isn’t just waiting to give advice. And when listening, don’t quickly change the subject because you are uncomfortable. Yes, it IS uncomfortable - imagine how beyond uncomfortable it is for the victim. If they are trusting you to listen; hear them!

Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things are passed away, behold all things become new.