This site is full of facts, experiences, myths, basic information, a book containing my personal story, hope, suggestions for healing, helping others, and a complete study of forgiveness. On this page, we are going to venture into the little-discussed areas: the deep crevices of the heart… the personal ‘soul’ struggles of the victim of a true narcissist: at least my personal struggles. If you find this section uncomfortable, believe me. I get it. It is extremely uncomfortable for me to share, but it is reality and therefore, necessary for a real understanding.

“Why is that man still looking at me, smiling and constantly greeting me, and why am I drawn to look his way?” It has been over 3 years since my narcissist walked out and literally slammed the door. In other words, he has appeared perfectly comfortable, even happy, moving on with his life as if I never existed in it. I haven’t heard a word from him directly in about 10 months, and I keep hearing his words in my mind from the last time we spoke face-to-face. “I’m so glad to be rid of you! Peace!”

I won’t repeat the work that I’ve been doing toward healing and forgiveness (find it elsewhere on the site), but I want to share that the pain of abandonment hasn’t left. The heartache of years of investment seeming to mean nothing is still very real. My anger flares up at times, but my most frequent emotion is one of genuine, deep sorrow. I grieve for the once professed love that I now realize he never had for me. I grieve for what could have been. I grieve for what was stolen. I grieve for the marriage that I longed for, which was never his priority. Because of the nature of humans, others don’t expect the grief to still be so very real, so I don’t speak of it with others, and I’m sure most assume that I’m over it.

One of the commitments that I made to myself, to him, and to God is that I will pray for him every single day. I pray for his heart, that God would draw him to Himself, that God would bless him. My motives and drive for these prayers began when I realized that God demands it (obedience) and from a heart of love - you cannot choose to love someone for 30+ years and then suddenly decide to stop caring what happens to them. The truth is, though, that over the past few weeks, I can’t say that I’ve prayed for him intentionally daily. I’ve let other thoughts and things take over and crowd out that priority.

So, this week I traveled with my son’s family to a ball tournament, and as soon as I walked into the gym, a gentleman greeted me with a smile, a wink, and kindness. Of course, I responded with a smile and “hello” and took my place in the stands. For about the next 2 1/2 hours, while I cheered for my grandgirls playing volleyball, I continually felt uncomfortable as I realized his eyes remained on me. He stood at the end of the court and just kept looking up into the stands and smiling. When I ventured over to the restroom, he again spoke to me. Finally, he began moving around the gym, and I noticed that he was carrying a baby (probably a grandchild), and the child was very happy to be in his arms. A family began to leave the gym, and he hugged each one and walked them to the door before returning to the spot where I could once again feel his gaze. At this point, I wondered why I was even paying attention.

Here’s where it gets interesting, and I take you into my heart and what I truly believe my Heavenly Father was showing me. It was a sudden realization that this man physically looked like my husband’s twin - every feature! But there was a stark difference that emanated from him. The difference was the smile, the kind words, the loving way he played with and carried his grandchild, the attention to others that he seemed to be paying. I inhaled deeply as I breathed a prayer, “OK. Lord, what are you wanting me to see here?”

I continued to think about the strange interactions and my confused mind for the next 24 hours - and it was during my prayer time the following morning that I began to realize what I believe the Lord was impressing on my heart. ‘THIS is what you imagined your husband would be - the inward strength, genuine smile and kindness, the love for his family, the attention to their needs and their comings and goings - this is what you thought you saw in him, the potential that you longed for him to live out.’ YES - that’s exactly what I prayed for him to be like for our entire marriage. But why was my attention drawn to this man who resembled him physically during those hours at the gym?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN UP! YOU HAVE STOPPED PRAYING FOR HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY! YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THE IDEA THAT HE IS SO SET IN HIS WAYS AND CLOSED OFF THAT GOD CANNOT CHANGE HIM! That’s when I began to cry and ask for forgiveness and beg God once again to soften the heart of my husband, to draw him to Himself, for him to allow God to do a mighty work in him.

No, I’m not under any illusions that we will ever be reconciled to the marriage that we promised each other years ago. I know that this is not his desire, and I cannot imagine humanly being able to trust my heart to him again. However, I know that the way things are now is not pleasing to the Lord. He does not desire that we act as enemies or strangers. He does not desire that this be the one human on earth that I cannot communicate with. True forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. But forgiveness does mean loving like Jesus, praying for, and blessing! I guess I’ve still got a ways to go!