This site is full of facts, experiences, myths, basic information, a book containing my personal story, hope, suggestions for healing, helping others, and a complete study of forgiveness. On this page, we are going to venture into the little-discussed areas: the deep crevices of the heart… the personal ‘soul’ struggles of the victim of a true narcissist: at least my personal struggles and those that have been shared with me. If you find this section uncomfortable, believe me. I get it. It is extremely uncomfortable for me to share, but it is reality and therefore, necessary for a real understanding.

“Why is that man still looking at me, smiling and constantly greeting me, and why am I drawn to look his way?” It has been over 3 years since my narcissist walked out and literally slammed the door. In other words, he has appeared perfectly comfortable, even happy, moving on with his life as if I never existed in it. I haven’t heard a word from him directly in about 10 months, and I keep hearing his words in my mind from the last time we spoke face-to-face. “I’m so glad to be rid of you! Peace!”

I won’t repeat the work that I’ve been doing toward healing and forgiveness (find it elsewhere on the site), but I want to share that the pain of abandonment hasn’t left. The heartache of years of investment seeming to mean nothing is still very real. My anger flares up at times, but my most frequent emotion is one of genuine, deep sorrow. I grieve for the once professed love that I now realize he never had for me. I grieve for what could have been. I grieve for what was stolen. I grieve for the marriage that I longed for, which was never his priority. Because of the nature of humans, others don’t expect the grief to still be so very real, so I don’t speak of it with others, and I’m sure most assume that I’m over it.

One of the commitments that I made to myself, to him, and to God is that I will pray for him every single day. I pray for his heart, that God would draw him to Himself, that God would bless him. My motives and drive for these prayers began when I realized that God demands it (obedience) and from a heart of love - you cannot choose to love someone for 30+ years and then suddenly decide to stop caring what happens to them. The truth is, though, that over the past few weeks, I can’t say that I’ve prayed for him intentionally daily. I’ve let other thoughts and things take over and crowd out that priority.

So, this week I traveled with my son’s family to a ball tournament, and as soon as I walked into the gym, a gentleman greeted me with a smile, a wink, and kindness. Of course, I responded with a smile and “hello” and took my place in the stands. For about the next 2 1/2 hours, while I cheered for my grandgirls playing volleyball, I continually felt uncomfortable as I realized his eyes remained on me. He stood at the end of the court and just kept looking up into the stands and smiling. When I ventured over to the restroom, he again spoke to me. Finally, he began moving around the gym, and I noticed that he was carrying a baby (probably a grandchild), and the child was very happy to be in his arms. A family began to leave the gym, and he hugged each one and walked them to the door before returning to the spot where I could once again feel his gaze. At this point, I wondered why I was even paying attention.

Here’s where it gets interesting, and I take you into my heart and what I truly believe my Heavenly Father was showing me. It was a sudden realization that this man physically looked like my husband’s twin - every feature! But there was a stark difference that emanated from him. The difference was the smile, the kind words, the loving way he played with and carried his grandchild, the attention to others that he seemed to be paying. I inhaled deeply as I breathed a prayer, “OK. Lord, what are you wanting me to see here?”

I continued to think about the strange interactions and my confused mind for the next 24 hours - and it was during my prayer time the following morning that I began to realize what I believe the Lord was impressing on my heart. ‘THIS is what you imagined your husband would be - the inward strength, genuine smile and kindness, the love for his family, the attention to their needs and their comings and goings - this is what you thought you saw in him early in your relationship, the potential that you longed for him to live out.’ YES - that’s exactly what I prayed for him to be like for our entire marriage. But why was my attention drawn to this man who resembled him physically during those hours at the gym?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN UP! YOU HAVE STOPPED PRAYING FOR HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY! YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THE IDEA THAT HE IS SO SET IN HIS WAYS AND CLOSED OFF THAT GOD CANNOT CHANGE HIM! That’s when I began to cry and ask for forgiveness and beg God once again to soften the heart of my husband, to draw him to Himself, for him to allow God to do a mighty work in him. For him to know the joy and peace that comes with loving God and loving the family that God gave him.

No, I’m not under any illusions that we will ever be reconciled to the marriage that we promised each other years ago. I know that this is not his desire, and I cannot imagine humanly being able to trust my heart to him again. However, I know that the way things are now is not pleasing to the Lord. He does not desire that we act as enemies or strangers. He does not desire that this be the one human on earth that I cannot communicate with. He is not pleased with the tension and division between us. True forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. But forgiveness does mean loving like Jesus, praying for, and blessing! I guess I’ve still got a ways to go, but I’m once again committed to praying for him daily, blessing him whenever given the opportunity and doing good to him when possible.

One of the little-understood heartaches of building a family with a narcissist and then facing life after the divorce is what too often happens to the victim and her relationships with her children. While my children have remained close to me and supportive on every level, I have a friend who has not been so fortunate.

During her marriage, her daughters asked her repeatedly to leave her husband because of his attitude and treatment toward her and sometimes them. But, when he suddenly decided to walk out and drag her through an ugly court battle and divorce, he simultaneously love-bombed their adult daughters. This is very common - and I’ve experienced it myself. However, in her case, her daughters believed the lies he told them about her and have pulled away from her, opting instead to take trips with him to Paris, accept his monetary gifts, and prioritize that over a relationship with their mom.

While dealing with all of the pain associated with the end of her 40+ years of marriage (though she suffered due to his choosing narcissistic behaviors), she is also dealing with the heartache of losing the connection with her daughters - and it is unbearable to be honest. She is constantly remembering his false accusations toward her, wondering what she could have done differently, and asking herself why the love that she thought she shared with her children has so easily been thrown away. She has the option of trying to communicate with them the entire truth, but as she and I have talked about so often, she would have to stoop to the level of talking negatively about their father, telling them more than they already know. He, for the first time, seems to want a relationship with them, and it can’t be her goal to prevent that.

Each of us who is walking this road faces this kind of decision - and it is an horrifically painful one - because we long to be seen for who we really are and can’t help but grieve over what has been said about us, but we also do not want to hurt our children further. Beyond that, we know that God says that HE will reveal all truth in His time and He is just and He promises never to leave us or forsake us - even when we walk through the darkest valley, and this is a big one!

I had a conversation with a young woman this morning that touched those secret places of my heart and brought me to my knees once again. This section of our site is for sharing those “secret places,” so hang on! This young woman called me to share some personal struggles she is having in a relationship that has been a part of her life for about three years. She shared with me that she did and said a few things over the past couple of days that gave her great “joy” because she was able to shock and hurt the man who had hurt her. I listened. I silently prayed for wisdom, and I listened some more. When I began to share with her that the joy that she felt in her quest for vengeance would be short lived and that it isn’t what God requires of us, she interrupted me to tell me that I simply do not understand the humiliation, the pain… that comes with a three year relationship with a man who sees her as his property, with a man who betrayed her trust, with a man who is still pursuing her while dating other women.

When counseling other women and when speaking with friends who are just sharing their own hearts and burdens, I try to be very careful not to interject my own experiences, not to minimize what they are going through by talking about my own pain. So, you can imagine the battle that was going on deep within me as I listened to this young woman. We had probably been speaking on the phone for more than 30 minutes, and every time I tried to direct her to the way God tells us to respond, she would interject that I just don’t understand. Well, I finally swallowed and said, “Please hear me. I understand more than you know. I understand giving more than 30 years of my life to a man who sees me only as a possession that exists for his benefit. I understand more than you know, being betrayed by someone that I gave every part of me to. I understand more than you know what it feels like to be betrayed and humiliated when that man walks away and flaunts his new relationship around town. I understand more than you know what it feels like to be abandoned and left penniless. I understand more than you know what it feels like to be tossed aside like an old shoe after giving a man his legacy in his children. I understand. But God says that vengeance is not mine. It is His.

I held my breath for her response, and she finally said, “Well, when you put it that way, it makes me feel really stupid!”

That was not my desire. I desired to give her some perspective on her desire to hurt the man in her situation. I wanted her to know that my advice isn’t based on a fairytale idea of Christianity. It isn’t based on a false belief that everything is easy, rosy, and comfortable. My advice to her is based on what God says in His Word. It isn’t fun. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t glamorous by any stretch. In fact, when you choose to forgive God’s way, you will be mocked by other believers. You will be questioned by other believers, and sadly, you may even be told that what you are suffering today is because you chose to forgive instead of seeking what is owed to you.

This morning, I invite you into the secret places of my heart where I am living just exactly how hard the path can be when we choose God’s way and trust Him to take care of the details. In my forgiveness journey, I chose the unpopular path of not going to court with my husband. I didn’t demand alimony or spousal support; I didn’t demand he provide for me what the law says that he must provide. And guess what. There are consequences for that. It is hard. Period. Every single day I’m reminded of what he has done to me when I face the practical needs of life and every day I’m given another opportunity to intentionally forgive him for what he has done to me, for how he has discarded me and my needs and for how he has even tried to give the impression that he has done things for my benefit. Only he and I know the full truth about that - nope, God knows! Choosing to pray for, love, bless, and do good to those who have hurt us deeply, those whose choices continue to hurt us, is not weakness. It is not stupidity. It is not naivete… It is choosing to honor God, to obey Him, and to accept the consequences of that obedience when it is difficult! Here’s a thought. If obedience guaranteed comfort, ease, and glamour, many more would choose this path. The choice is ours. Do we want ALL things to work together for our good and God’s glory? If so, we must choose obedience because the promise of that verse has a stipulation: to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. We love Him by our obedience. We are called to trust Him and allow Him to take care of us when we choose His way.