This site is full of facts, experiences, myths, basic information, a book containing my personal story, hope, suggestions for healing, helping others, and a complete study of forgiveness. On this page, we are going to venture into the little-discussed areas: the deep crevices of the heart… the personal ‘soul’ struggles of the victim of a true narcissist: at least my personal struggles and those that have been shared with me. If you find this section uncomfortable, believe me. I get it. It is extremely uncomfortable for me to share, but it is reality and therefore, necessary for a real understanding.

“Why is that man still looking at me, smiling and constantly greeting me, and why am I drawn to look his way?” It has been over 3 years since my narcissist walked out and literally slammed the door. In other words, he has appeared perfectly comfortable, even happy, moving on with his life as if I never existed in it. I haven’t heard a word from him directly in about 10 months, and I keep hearing his words in my mind from the last time we spoke face-to-face. “I’m so glad to be rid of you! Peace!”

I won’t repeat the work that I’ve been doing toward healing and forgiveness (find it elsewhere on the site), but I want to share that the pain of abandonment hasn’t left. The heartache of years of investment seeming to mean nothing is still very real. My anger flares up at times, but my most frequent emotion is one of genuine, deep sorrow. I grieve for the once professed love that I now realize he never had for me. I grieve for what could have been. I grieve for what was stolen. I grieve for the marriage that I longed for, which was never his priority. Because of the nature of humans, others don’t expect the grief to still be so very real, so I don’t speak of it with others, and I’m sure most assume that I’m over it.

One of the commitments that I made to myself, to him, and to God is that I will pray for him every single day. I pray for his heart, that God would draw him to Himself, that God would bless him. My motives and drive for these prayers began when I realized that God demands it (obedience) and from a heart of love - you cannot choose to love someone for 30+ years and then suddenly decide to stop caring what happens to them. The truth is, though, that over the past few weeks, I can’t say that I’ve prayed for him intentionally daily. I’ve let other thoughts and things take over and crowd out that priority.

So, this week I traveled with my son’s family to a ball tournament, and as soon as I walked into the gym, a gentleman greeted me with a smile, a wink, and kindness. Of course, I responded with a smile and “hello” and took my place in the stands. For about the next 2 1/2 hours, while I cheered for my grandgirls playing volleyball, I continually felt uncomfortable as I realized his eyes remained on me. He stood at the end of the court and just kept looking up into the stands and smiling. When I ventured over to the restroom, he again spoke to me. Finally, he began moving around the gym, and I noticed that he was carrying a baby (probably a grandchild), and the child was very happy to be in his arms. A family began to leave the gym, and he hugged each one and walked them to the door before returning to the spot where I could once again feel his gaze. At this point, I wondered why I was even paying attention.

Here’s where it gets interesting, and I take you into my heart and what I truly believe my Heavenly Father was showing me. It was a sudden realization that this man physically looked like my husband’s twin - every feature! But there was a stark difference that emanated from him. The difference was the smile, the kind words, the loving way he played with and carried his grandchild, the attention to others that he seemed to be paying. I inhaled deeply as I breathed a prayer, “OK. Lord, what are you wanting me to see here?”

I continued to think about the strange interactions and my confused mind for the next 24 hours - and it was during my prayer time the following morning that I began to realize what I believe the Lord was impressing on my heart. ‘THIS is what you imagined your husband would be - the inward strength, genuine smile and kindness, the love for his family, the attention to their needs and their comings and goings - this is what you thought you saw in him early in your relationship, the potential that you longed for him to live out.’ YES - that’s exactly what I prayed for him to be like for our entire marriage. But why was my attention drawn to this man who resembled him physically during those hours at the gym?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN UP! YOU HAVE STOPPED PRAYING FOR HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY! YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THE IDEA THAT HE IS SO SET IN HIS WAYS AND CLOSED OFF THAT GOD CANNOT CHANGE HIM! That’s when I began to cry and ask for forgiveness and beg God once again to soften the heart of my husband, to draw him to Himself, for him to allow God to do a mighty work in him. For him to know the joy and peace that comes with loving God and loving the family that God gave him.

No, I’m not under any illusions that we will ever be reconciled to the marriage that we promised each other years ago. I know that this is not his desire, and I cannot imagine humanly being able to trust my heart to him again. However, I know that the way things are now is not pleasing to the Lord. He does not desire that we act as enemies or strangers. He does not desire that this be the one human on earth that I cannot communicate with. He is not pleased with the tension and division between us. True forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. But forgiveness does mean loving like Jesus, praying for, and blessing! I guess I’ve still got a ways to go, but I’m once again committed to praying for him daily, blessing him whenever given the opportunity and doing good to him when possible.

One of the little-understood heartaches of building a family with a narcissist and then facing life after the divorce is what too often happens to the victim and her relationships with her children. While my children have remained close to me and supportive on every level, I have a friend who has not been so fortunate.

During her marriage, her daughters asked her repeatedly to leave her husband because of his attitude and treatment toward her and sometimes them. But, when he suddenly decided to walk out and drag her through an ugly court battle and divorce, he simultaneously love-bombed their adult daughters. This is very common - and I’ve experienced it myself. However, in her case, her daughters believed the lies he told them about her and have pulled away from her, opting instead to take trips with him to Paris, accept his monetary gifts, and prioritize that over a relationship with their mom.

While dealing with all of the pain associated with the end of her 40+ years of marriage (though she suffered due to his choosing narcissistic behaviors), she is also dealing with the heartache of losing the connection with her daughters - and it is unbearable to be honest. She is constantly remembering his false accusations toward her, wondering what she could have done differently, and asking herself why the love that she thought she shared with her children has so easily been thrown away. She has the option of trying to communicate with them the entire truth, but as she and I have talked about so often, she would have to stoop to the level of talking negatively about their father, telling them more than they already know. He, for the first time, seems to want a relationship with them, and it can’t be her goal to prevent that.

Each of us who is walking this road faces this kind of decision - and it is an horrifically painful one - because we long to be seen for who we really are and can’t help but grieve over what has been said about us, but we also do not want to hurt our children further. Beyond that, we know that God says that HE will reveal all truth in His time and He is just and He promises never to leave us or forsake us - even when we walk through the darkest valley, and this is a big one!

It’s Thanksgiving Day, and regardless of my best efforts, the heaviness is real. The truth is that in the secret places of the hearts of those who have suffered through narcissistic abuse for any length of time, there are wounds from holiday behavior that seem to surface with the approach of each special occasion. Sadly, these wounds are deep - not the kind that anyone can see on the surface - and because of that, victims suffer in silence.

Let’s say that I open up and try to share what the wounds feel like to someone close to me; someone I feel that I can trust. The result would be an awkward exchange between us, confusion on the part of the listener who has no reference point from which to try to understand and it may even end in a disagreement between the two of us because often, when someone loves us they simply want us to be ok. They feel helpless to “fix” what has hurt us and continues to hurt us and they really want us to just move on from the pain, forget the wounds, act as if they don’t exist, move on with life just as if, and for the love of all that matters; be happy!

Yes, holidays are tough. Those wounds from the past are ever present, but so is the sorrow that what should be today is not because of the choices of someone that we trusted our lives with. The reality of narcissistic abuse is that family members live with the choices of the narcissist. That one individual has made decisions for us - decisions concerning our past and decisions concerning our present. The need for control will continue, leaving family members wondering if or when he will make an appearance. They also wonder who he has chosen to spend these days with when he doesn’t appear, or when he makes an appearance for an hour and quickly leaves, declaring that he is cooking for others. For the true narcissist, holidays are just one more opportunity to control, to manipulate, to even hurt those he once declared his love to.

If you are the victim of this type of relationship, know that what you are feeling on these days is not unique to you - you are not alone. If you have a loved one who is recovering from this type of relationship; please be present and validating of what they are feeling - not demanding that they just get over it! From the secret places of my heart, I share.

I had a conversation with a young woman this morning that touched those secret places of my heart and brought me to my knees once again. This section of our site is for sharing those “secret places,” so hang on! This young woman called me to share some personal struggles she is having in a relationship that has been a part of her life for about three years. She shared with me that she did and said a few things over the past couple of days that gave her great “joy” because she was able to shock and hurt the man who had hurt her. I listened. I silently prayed for wisdom, and I listened some more. When I began to share with her that the joy that she felt in her quest for vengeance would be short lived and that it isn’t what God requires of us, she interrupted me to tell me that I simply do not understand the humiliation, the pain… that comes with a three year relationship with a man who sees her as his property, with a man who betrayed her trust, with a man who is still pursuing her while dating other women.

When counseling other women and when speaking with friends who are just sharing their own hearts and burdens, I try to be very careful not to interject my own experiences, not to minimize what they are going through by talking about my own pain. So, you can imagine the battle that was going on deep within me as I listened to this young woman. We had probably been speaking on the phone for more than 30 minutes, and every time I tried to direct her to the way God tells us to respond, she would interject that I just don’t understand. Well, I finally swallowed and said, “Please hear me. I understand more than you know. I understand giving more than 30 years of my life to a man who sees me only as a possession that exists for his benefit. I understand more than you know, being betrayed by someone that I gave every part of me to. I understand more than you know what it feels like to be betrayed and humiliated when that man walks away and flaunts his new relationship around town. I understand more than you know what it feels like to be abandoned and left penniless. I understand more than you know what it feels like to be tossed aside like an old shoe after giving a man his legacy in his children. I understand. But God says that vengeance is not mine. It is His.

I held my breath for her response, and she finally said, “Well, when you put it that way, it makes me feel really stupid!”

That was not my desire. I desired to give her some perspective on her desire to hurt the man in her situation. I wanted her to know that my advice isn’t based on a fairytale idea of Christianity. It isn’t based on a false belief that everything is easy, rosy, and comfortable. My advice to her is based on what God says in His Word. It isn’t fun. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t glamorous by any stretch. In fact, when you choose to forgive God’s way, you will be mocked by other believers. You will be questioned by other believers, and sadly, you may even be told that what you are suffering today is because you chose to forgive instead of seeking what is owed to you.

This morning, I invite you into the secret places of my heart where I am living just exactly how hard the path can be when we choose God’s way and trust Him to take care of the details. In my forgiveness journey, I chose the unpopular path of not going to court with my husband. I didn’t demand alimony or spousal support; I didn’t demand he provide for me what the law says that he must provide. And guess what. There are consequences for that. It is hard. Period. Every single day I’m reminded of what he has done to me when I face the practical needs of life and every day I’m given another opportunity to intentionally forgive him for what he has done to me, for how he has discarded me and my needs and for how he has even tried to give the impression that he has done things for my benefit. Only he and I know the full truth about that - nope, God knows! Choosing to pray for, love, bless, and do good to those who have hurt us deeply, those whose choices continue to hurt us, is not weakness. It is not stupidity. It is not naivete… It is choosing to honor God, to obey Him, and to accept the consequences of that obedience when it is difficult! Here’s a thought. If obedience guaranteed comfort, ease, and glamour, many more would choose this path. The choice is ours. Do we want ALL things to work together for our good and God’s glory? If so, we must choose obedience because the promise of that verse has a stipulation: to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. We love Him by our obedience. We are called to trust Him and allow Him to take care of us when we choose His way.

Narcissists usually respond in one of two ways to their target, who is usually the spouse. Respond to what? It can be anything - a conversation that he doesn’t want to have, a mistake made by the spouse, or behavior by a child or spouse that embarrassed him. One response is rage, the other is silence. Sometimes it’s loud. Sometimes it’s silent! Either way, it’s destructive and either way, it leaves those in his life in constant turmoil, wondering what will either set him off or plunge him into silence next.

The reality in my life is that for him, it was never about working through issues, never about accountability, never about resolving conflict in a healthy, mature manner. No- whenever I would try to communicate with my narcissist, it never ended with clarity or solutions. Sadly, I always walked away confused, blamed, exhausted, and defeated. Helpless comes to mind.

Why is this the case with these individuals? Because, as I’ve stated repeatedly, he is leaning into his self-absorption. The problem is never his actions, never his hateful words, never his choices of behavior… the problem is always my reaction. If I cry, I’m too sensitive. If I get angry, I’m crazy. If I confront his wrong, I’m starting drama. And when I pulled away to protect my peace, I was cold and heartless.

No matter what I did, he twisted it. No matter how valid my feelings were, he invalidated them. No matter how much I tried to explain, he refused to listen or try to understand… because understanding would require that he admit that he may have been wrong. His ego simply would not allow that!

When my narcissist felt backed into a corner, his mask would slip. As his lies began to unravel and he realized I was seeing the full truth and his manipulation was no longer working on me, he would default to rage or absence. The RAGE is always verbal and emotional and sometimes physical. It is an explosion meant to intimidate, to distract, to shift blame… to regain his control. The ABSENCE, silent treatment, is another form of manipulation. It is designed to punish, to make you chase him, to make you question yourself and yes, to make you feel like you need to apologize for something!

The bottom line is that both of these reactions serve the same purpose for him - to avoid accountability and regain control. See, for him, the goal isn’t resolution - it’s winning/dominance. He will gaslight, guilt-trip, stonewall and lash out until he feels like he has the upper hand again.

Me? I found myself explaining the same hurt over and over again, only to be dismissed, minimized and mocked. I repeatedly found myself apologizing for my own pain, apologizing for needing too much, asking too much, being unreasonable… always taking the blame for being THE PROBLEM.

What do I now know? I was NOT the problem. My reactions were human responses to abusive behavior! My emotions are valid. His need to duck responsibility, to keep his ego in tack, to feel in control - kept me feeling like I was going in circles. Arguments always felt like a never-ending battle that I couldn’t win. I knew after every encounter that he was never wrong. I was just too much: too sensitive, too needy, too emotional, too difficult! In reality, I’m not difficult. I’m not needy. I do have emotions, and I am sensitive - but these are not negatives in my other relationships!

I believed, while in this 30-year marriage, that if only I were better. If only I were all that I was supposed to be, this relationship would feel better! What I know today is that no matter what I did, it was never enough. The goalposts were always going to move because he loved keeping me under his thumb, making me the villain when he was abusive and playing the victim when confronted by others.