One of the reasons the betrayal of a narcissistic spouse is so painful is that it is the ultimate betrayal. This individual gains your trust - you share your most vulnerable parts with them, and with the flip of a switch, they begin to use those details against you. This betrayal changes the victim.

The humiliation of this type of abuse is found in the fact that the victim finds herself begging to be treated ‘normally’. With each request, the narcissist finds new opportunities to mock, to belittle, to criticize, and suggest that his victim is the problem.

Rationale won’t change them.

Logic won’t reach them.

Reasoning won’t move them.

You can explain yourself until you have nothing left. You may try to make sense of something that was designed to confuse you.

You will look for accountability in someone who only cares about control.

They understand just fine. They just don’t care.

Narcissistic abuse is often subtle: in other words, it might be so well disguised that others who witness the behaviors may fail to recognize them as abuse. These individuals are masters at a facade while turning cold when alone with you. Another way to state this is that much of the abuse is done in secret. This is often referred to as “deniability,” and sadly, it makes the victim wonder if she has the right to feel the way she does.

If you’ve never been on the receiving side of a smear campaign, be grateful! True narcissists find this to be a path to control. When they feel they are not adequately controlling how they see themselves, they will work to control how others see them. They will twist events to portray you as a bad actor and themselves as the victim of your behavior. Guess what happens when you react negatively… You’ve just given them proof that their version is true. For me, this is the true meaning of walking on eggshells.

Even as I write this, I battle feelings of insecurity - that I’m whining about something that isn’t a big deal. This is one of the results of living with a narcissist long term: second-guessing even your emotions and needs. But I will forge ahead because others need to know what I’ve spent years learning. Emotional neglect and invalidation are a massive part of life with a narcissist, whether it’s a parent or spouse. The ‘norm’ for this personality is to dismiss, belittle, or completely ignore your feelings. They will even go so far as to diminish, criticize your very core, and reject anything you do or value. They overlook your needs, opinions, experiences, and cries for help. “Stop being so emotional!” is a favorite retort. When you dare to express yourself, you’ve opened yourself up to mockery and a twisting of the conversation completely. Instead of hearing you, they will shut you down with labels or generalized statements, “You are always so sensitive!” or “Get a sense of humor!” or even, “You are no victim!”

Psychology says that when women face constant stress and uncertainty, their bodies learn to live in survival mode. They remain alert, tense and exhausted; always waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Even in moments that should be calm, their minds don’t relax. While the narcissist will take advantage of her obvious tension to accuse her of overreacting, she in fact, is responding to a life with him, where her nervous system has forgotten what safety feels like.

Her body has learned that his presence is a threat.

This may be a longer read, but I hope it is worth the time and effort. I am very deliberate about not sharing simply dramatic or created ideas with no backing, so I know that when sharing this particular information, I know it to be true. I’ve learned through therapy and counseling that this is what I have experienced; I realize that while it was happening in the past, I was unaware of how or why, but I knew my body was reacting negatively, and regardless of my best efforts, I couldn’t change it.

*Sadly, her body doesn’t feel safe in his presence. The moment he enters the room, she feels her shoulders tense, her breathing changes, and her body unconsciously tightens as if bracing for the impact of his silence. It isn’t always about arguments or cruelty; it’s also about the constant unpredictability, the subtle emotional landmines, the walking on eggshells energy that her nervous system has memorized. Her body has learned that his presence is a threat even when her mind tries to tell her that’s irrational.

*Physical intimacy becomes draining and even unpleasant. What once felt passionate and natural has become obligatory and painful. His touch doesn’t bring comfort; it depletes any comfort she has because her body is rejecting a connection that no longer feels emotionally safe. She is in survival mode, and the chemistry is gone. Her body is trying to protect her. Intimacy now feels like an invasion.

*Sleep is no longer possible around him. She is constantly restless when he is near. She may be exhausted, but struggles to sleep in his presence. She will wake through the night with a racing heart or a strange sadness she can’t explain if she falls asleep. This is her body processing the emotional abuse that it is not allowed to express during the day. Sleep becomes a battleground.

*Her body begins showing symptoms: neck pain, stomach issues, jaw pain, or migraines. Her body is screaming what her voice has been silenced from saying. It’s not usually physical bruises that a narcissist leaves - it’s emotional wounds. Her immune system is weakened over time, her hormones are affected, and no medical test can explain it.

*She loses the desire to be seen. She no longer dresses up like she used to; she avoids mirrors because she doesn’t want to be visible to him somewhere deep inside. She feels the rejection and harsh treatment are because something is wrong with her. Being seen by someone who only objectifies her, criticizes her, or competes with her has made her feel unsafe. She retreats into a numbness, silence, and yes, survival mode.

Yes - the body keeps the score.

It’s important to understand that if you seek help or dare to tell anyone the truth about his treatment of you, you will be accused of causing trouble. “How dare you ruin my reputation by telling the truth about what I said and did!” Remember that your honesty is not the problem - their actions are!

Anything You Can DO

I Can Do Better!

Competition or one-upmanship makes for a difficult everyday life in this relationship. Anything you can do, they can do better, even in negative aspects like illness or suffering. When you begin to thrive in an area, they will do anything they can to sabotage your success, shift the spotlight to themselves, or even claim credit for your achievement. Over time, this erodes your sense of accomplishment in anything and leads to feelings of inadequacy.

No Discussion? No Conversation?

The true narcissist refuses to allow you closure. They leave you questioning everything while they move on as if nothing ever happened, including your relationship.

In the beginning, they present themselves as your dream, charming, attentive, and making you feel special, and then they are cold, distant, and gone. In their mind, they owe you no apology, no explanation, and certainly no accountability.

And there you are replaying the chaos over and over in your mind, grieving what you thought was real and blaming yourself for their cruelty.

But remember: closure would require empathy, accountability, honesty… It’s much easier for them to discard and rewrite the story in their mind and to whoever will listen, while you are left simply trying to breathe through the wreckage.

Damage Done

The extent of the damage narcissists do to others is massive.
It’s not just about manipulation, gaslighting, or lies — it’s about destruction on a soul-deep level. Narcissists don’t just hurt people… they unravel them. They tear apart identities, shake the foundations of self-worth, and dismantle the future someone might have had. They don’t just damage relationships — they damage people: who you were, who you could have become — gone, buried under the weight of their control and cruelty.

And they do it in the most insidious way imaginable.
Not with obvious, overt violence, but slowly. Quietly. Subtly. They smile while they do it. They pretend to care. They praise you while planting seeds of doubt. They pretend to love you while poisoning your spirit. And by the time you realize what’s happening, it’s already too late — the damage has been done. You’ve been emotionally starved, spiritually drained, and psychologically manipulated until you can’t even recognize yourself.

They live off the emotional energy of others. Your joy, your love, your peace — all of it becomes their food. They feed off your highs and especially your lows. They provoke reactions because it makes them feel alive. They drain you with arguments, silent treatments, blame, guilt — anything that keeps you spinning around *them*. They don’t feel guilty for it. They don’t care. Even if you're their partner, child, parent, or friend, your pain simply doesn’t register as important to them. Only their needs matter.

And what makes them so dangerous is how *convincing* they are to others.
They wear masks that charm the world when they feel like it. They can seem kind, generous, even empathetic (when it suits their purposes) — but it's all a lie, a well-practiced performance. By the time the mask starts to crack, you’re already so deep in the fog that escaping feels impossible. And everyone else is still buying the front they wear. They count on that. They count on your loyalty, your hope, your forgiveness — and they weaponize it. (Yes, we discuss elsewhere on the site Biblical forgiveness.)

If you think this sounds extreme, I’d venture to say that you’ve never dealt with a narcissist on an intimate level. You’ve never had your light dimmed day by day, your identity slowly erased, your confidence shattered to pieces — all while being told it was your fault. But if you have, then you know. You know what it’s like to feel your life slipping away from you, one manipulation at a time.

The Alone-ness is Real.

The type of abuse that we address on this site has an added dimension of pain because of the nature of the abuse. It isn’t always visible for onlookers to pick up on. It is often deliberately devastating but done secretly, where only the victim’s reaction is seen. The result is that an additional wound of being misunderstood or isolated from others becomes the norm for those suffering. Most will find themselves unconsciously reacting.

Obsession with Money

Many narcissists are obsessed with money.* In their minds, money is not a resource or tool—it is a source of power, validation, and control.

Their mind is constantly focused on how much they have, how to get more of it, and how to keep it out of reach from others.

They love to use it for manipulation: when it comes to financial gain, that means exploiting, deceiving, or even stealing from their own family members without guilt or hesitation.

For manipulation of others, money becomes a substitute for love, warmth, and affection: things they won’t give or receive. Instead of building genuine emotional connections, narcissists build their little empires of wealth, hoarding it like armor, using it to dominate conversations, relationships, and even legacies.

Yes, they equate having money with being better than others. It fuels their grandiosity and need for superiority. The more they accumulate, the more entitled they feel. They’ll often flaunt their financial status, exaggerate their success, or manipulate others into feeling inferior. They will also leave a spouse whom they see as “draining” them of their money and find a new supply who is a source of money.

Behind the scenes, they may be stingy, controlling every cent, or using money as a means to punish, reward, or create dependency. However, they won’t hesitate to use it as a means to gain favor with those they desire to “reel in” or “convince of their goodness.”

Thoughts about obtaining more money never leave their minds.* Even in conversations unrelated to finances, the narcissist will find a way to shift the topic toward their wealth or someone else’s perceived lack of it. For them, money is not a means to live—it is often their weapon of choice.

Some of the time, I choose silence, not because my pain is small, but because words can’t hold it, because nothing changes when I speak up, and because I’ve learned that healing doesn’t always need an audience.

I don’t reach out much - even on days that I feel like giving up. Not because I don’t think you care, but because I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want you to see me broken, overwhelmed, or falling apart at the seams.

So, I disappear. I isolate. I cry behind closed doors. I bear alone what I can’t say. I work to heal in quiet corners, alone. And when I’m struggling the worst, I work to keep going without asking for help.

Some pain cannot be spoken; some thoughts are better left unsaid. I know they cannot be understood by others, and the wounds are just too deep to name. So, I retreat. I step back and I sit with my thoughts until I can face the world again. Please understand that sometimes I have to fight through solitude, with silent resilience.

When She Battles

Dark Thoughts

There were two times in my 30 years of marriage that I remember feeling like giving up. The only thing that kept me from hurting myself was my children. The memory of those times brings shame, but truthfully, the thoughts didn’t last long. I was able to remind myself of the HOPE I always have in Christ. I spent a few days renewing my heart and mind in the Word of God and was able to return to fight for the life I longed for.

I share the following (which was written in part by an unknown author and edited to better fit my message) so that when you see someone losing hope, if she confides in you or if you sense her despair, you may be able to look beyond the surface words. She’s not looking for attention, she’s desperate for your understanding and your loving presence.

You think she’s angry, but you don’t see the weight she carries silently. It’s not rage that fills her eyes, but tiredness in a thin disguise.

She’s not furious but worn and torn, from dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn. She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost, paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt, crying softly without a shout. Frustration builds, but not from hate; It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight. She was promised much, and her dreams were bright, but now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise and shine, but things only worsen over time. So when you see her weary stare, know it’s not anger, but despair. She’s fighting hard to find her way, hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Sadly, a narcissist may thrive on creating chaos and conflict between members of his own family. He loves arguing over trivial things, correcting random statements, bringing up negative situations and discussions, and even treating various family members as more valuable than others to keep everyone emotionally on edge. This leads to emotional exhaustion when he is present, but tends to allow him to be the center of attention as he desires.

That special kind of pain:

You marry the person you believe you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, and then you realize that he doesn’t seem capable of loving you, nor does he have the desire to. Imagine facing your hardest battles and finding no compassion, no support, no care! And imagine waking up to the realization that the relationship was never real, the love was an illusion, and behind it all was contempt - this is the silent heartbreak of marriage to a true narcissist.

Someone needs to hear this! You weren’t crazy - they gaslit you. You weren’t stupid - you trusted someone who masterfully deceived you. You weren’t weak - you trusted them with your heart, and they betrayed that trust. You weren’t too sensitive - they used your vulnerabilities and emotions against you so that they could feel more powerful and in control. You’re not overreacting - they did wrong and refused to be accountable for it. Your pain isn’t bitterness - you saw the truth, and they don’t like the fact that you now recognize their manipulation. You weren’t insecure and jealous- they constantly provoked you with their disrespect. You weren’t the problem - they just need to blame you so that they can deflect from fixing themselves. You aren’t hard to love - they just didn’t know how to love. You didn’t lose them - they lost you. You’re not broken beyond repair - you are working to rebuild what they damaged. Don’t let what they want you to believe be what you believe about yourself. They needed to dull your light - think about that!